-
Women Only
-
Straight Female / 32
This is my story of my transition from an unhappy and miserable human being to happy woman.
My mother gravitated to certain confrontational women, who were there breaking down the barriers for us poor females to follow. I heard about their work, and what they were doing for us, their sacrifice would make our world better.
When it was my time to join the movement, I went in head first, not thinking. I parroted everything I had be told, and pretended to be so hard nosed that no one could change me. I turned 30, still single, still in the fight, every chance I got. But I was so terribly lonely, a loneliness that just wouldn't ever go away.
Along the way I met this woman, her name is Amber. Amber is everything that we fought about, she was single, with a boy, struggling to support herself, but she was happy, she was always happy. One day she told me that I was never going to be happy unless I accepted myself. To stop being someone that wasn't me. She went so far as to tell me to get my panties out of my ass and realize that no matter how hard I tried I was never going to accomplish my stated goal.
She threw in my face that I was anti woman. That all I cared about was being selfish. No kids was the most selfish behavior she could imagine. I was healthy, 30 years old, and I was choosing to remain out of the game.
She introduced me to this one guy in particular. He was the embodiment of the enemy. Overly assertive, and to be frank, he didn't hold women in high regard. She did it on purpose, put me in a room with him knowing full well that he was a man who would piss me off. And he pissed me off. Until slowly I got to know him. This man was her brother.
He was not gentle with the names he called me, all of which reduced themselves to selfish bitch. No matter how I tried, I went back to the argument, to convince him and I walked away with the words selfish bitch. He didn't sugar coat it, he called me a worthless selfish bitch. Amber told me I liked him, I told her she was delusional.
But as I said, I went back for the fight. I was seeing him (with Amber in tow) at least twice a week, and he always told me in one way or another that I was selfish, self centered, bitch. Until I started to listen. I started to see myself like others saw me. I started to ask myself if I was a self centered selfish bitch. I went through the phases, first accepting that maybe I was self centered, and then maybe I was selfish, accepting that I was a bitch was real hard on me. Saying to myself that I was a bitch made me sick at the stomach.
How did I get so see that in myself? I saw the other women that I was hanging around with. I saw them. And I thought of Amber and how she was nothing like them. And Amber was happy and they were so full of hate and they only wanted to spread hate. I finally one night before bed fell on the bed and cried, I cried because I was lonely, I cried because I was going to bed alone, I cried because I began to believe that maybe all my hate was wrong. I cried because I wanted to be happy, I cried myself to sleep.
Accepting myself was hard, accepting myself and accepting that I as a woman there was so much more to life, that was even harder. Accepting that as woman I needed a man, and to accept that you need a man in your life, was going totally against the women I had been associating with all this time. Accepting that the man I needed to be with was Amber's brother (his name is Mike), accepting that I NEEDED to be with Mike was the most important day of my life.
I am Mike's wife, and I am happy. Really totally happy. I do get fed up now and then with some of the stupid things he says, but they are not really worth fighting about. What is worth fighting about is being happy, being with Mike, and preparing for our child to be born.
I don't know really what it is, but I think it is that I was not happy because I wasn't myself. I can see a future now, but before I had no future to look forward to. And part of that future is our child. I have new friends now, and these people are happy people. I am happy that they like me. I am for the first time ever in my life in the zone of total comfort.
My mother gravitated to certain confrontational women, who were there breaking down the barriers for us poor females to follow. I heard about their work, and what they were doing for us, their sacrifice would make our world better.
When it was my time to join the movement, I went in head first, not thinking. I parroted everything I had be told, and pretended to be so hard nosed that no one could change me. I turned 30, still single, still in the fight, every chance I got. But I was so terribly lonely, a loneliness that just wouldn't ever go away.
Along the way I met this woman, her name is Amber. Amber is everything that we fought about, she was single, with a boy, struggling to support herself, but she was happy, she was always happy. One day she told me that I was never going to be happy unless I accepted myself. To stop being someone that wasn't me. She went so far as to tell me to get my panties out of my ass and realize that no matter how hard I tried I was never going to accomplish my stated goal.
She threw in my face that I was anti woman. That all I cared about was being selfish. No kids was the most selfish behavior she could imagine. I was healthy, 30 years old, and I was choosing to remain out of the game.
She introduced me to this one guy in particular. He was the embodiment of the enemy. Overly assertive, and to be frank, he didn't hold women in high regard. She did it on purpose, put me in a room with him knowing full well that he was a man who would piss me off. And he pissed me off. Until slowly I got to know him. This man was her brother.
He was not gentle with the names he called me, all of which reduced themselves to selfish bitch. No matter how I tried, I went back to the argument, to convince him and I walked away with the words selfish bitch. He didn't sugar coat it, he called me a worthless selfish bitch. Amber told me I liked him, I told her she was delusional.
But as I said, I went back for the fight. I was seeing him (with Amber in tow) at least twice a week, and he always told me in one way or another that I was selfish, self centered, bitch. Until I started to listen. I started to see myself like others saw me. I started to ask myself if I was a self centered selfish bitch. I went through the phases, first accepting that maybe I was self centered, and then maybe I was selfish, accepting that I was a bitch was real hard on me. Saying to myself that I was a bitch made me sick at the stomach.
How did I get so see that in myself? I saw the other women that I was hanging around with. I saw them. And I thought of Amber and how she was nothing like them. And Amber was happy and they were so full of hate and they only wanted to spread hate. I finally one night before bed fell on the bed and cried, I cried because I was lonely, I cried because I was going to bed alone, I cried because I began to believe that maybe all my hate was wrong. I cried because I wanted to be happy, I cried myself to sleep.
Accepting myself was hard, accepting myself and accepting that I as a woman there was so much more to life, that was even harder. Accepting that as woman I needed a man, and to accept that you need a man in your life, was going totally against the women I had been associating with all this time. Accepting that the man I needed to be with was Amber's brother (his name is Mike), accepting that I NEEDED to be with Mike was the most important day of my life.
I am Mike's wife, and I am happy. Really totally happy. I do get fed up now and then with some of the stupid things he says, but they are not really worth fighting about. What is worth fighting about is being happy, being with Mike, and preparing for our child to be born.
I don't know really what it is, but I think it is that I was not happy because I wasn't myself. I can see a future now, but before I had no future to look forward to. And part of that future is our child. I have new friends now, and these people are happy people. I am happy that they like me. I am for the first time ever in my life in the zone of total comfort.
