When I was 6 years old , after having moved from Armenia to parts of Russia like Moscow around 1999 and 2000 we finally (after a long series of airplanes and trains , and bunking with strangers ) and a lot of sleepless nights or early wake up calls (for example 5am , 7am , etc at age 3 or 4 I think is how old I was .. Maybe 5 ) we finally arrived in America .. Or more specifically .. Ohio.


We arrived on a cold night in front of a fairly large house with a black gate I think . It turned out this was my grand aunt and uncle's home on myale parent's side of the family (I'll be saying male parent or female parent because I don't want to call them by the official names people use ... They haven't earned that). We went inside and I met them for the first time . Apparently they had two sons who were twins and two daughters . I can't remember if it was the first visit or on another visit that I first saw my 2nd cousin (one of the twins) but all I remember is he caught my attention and my interest for a second but I put it aside because I got over everything quickly as a kid .. There was too much to see and do to dwell on one thing ..


After a short amount of time and seeing him a few times ... He became the most important thing/person in my entire life . I was usually the quick moving type but he made me stop in my tracks ... He made me care and have feelings for another human being for the first time in my life it wasn't about using someone to get something or only needing someone around to provide for me (I usually played with kids but one example is a girl that had a popular toy and I hung out with her and got to play with her toys . Or the 20 something girl who wore makeup an I watched her then asked her to put some on me . And my parents sucked but since I got some necessities from them I had to tolerate them anyway not like they were going away anytime soon . )


Anyways so I came to feel very strongly for him . I cared deeply about him . I won't use the word love because love is a disposable and overused word and doesn't come close to describing my feelings . I once looked in the living room in ohio when we got a house and I saw that he had come to visit and I think he saw me and called me over or I just went to him and he hugged me one time while carrying me and another sort of in a squatting position behind me on the ground . That was the only time I think I was every genuinely happy and my smile in those two photos were the evidence ... It was a very pure and happy legitimate smile unlike probably any picture I have ever taken .

There were a few other times he visited or we bumped into each other when he was visiting .. But I won't dwell on those also because I don't remember too clearly . Anyways I obviously had a crush on him as a kid (I didn't realize just what a joke that is and that it went far beyond some crush ... Heck I was mostly oblivious to te fact that I was falling for him .. I knew it mostly subconsciously and somewhat consciously for a few moments when I stopped to think about it )

My first crush in school looked like him . When I would imagine a guy in my head it looked like him but an even more defined version and maybe better looking lol. Anyways his smile and happiness to me as contagious and I loved his big smile and carefree sort of attitude . Heck even in cinderella 3 the prince I think I was attracted to him because he looked like and reminded me of my cousin .

I think it was 2012 or so when he visited again out of the blue . When he came ... Before he even came to our room it's like I could sense that it was him that visited . Or something . He came to our room and have my sister then me a big hug . This may sound so astounding to some people but when he hugged me it was like when I was a child all over again ... I was actually happy and just feeling him made me content and its like that one moment not only made up for my life but erased every bad thing and shitty experience that haunted me because of my family mostly my male parent . It was like none of it ever happened or it was something I had dreamed up.

Later during his visit I also realized that nothing was phasing me during his visit ... Usually my parents could kill my mood in a heartbeat just by being alive and around me but when he was here it was like he took away that power from them and it didnt exist . Anyways so I took his kids (he was married with two children when he visited) to the computer room and watched hocus pocus with them while my cousin and his wife talked to my parents .

When my cousin and his family were leaving the backyard to go to the front yard my mom said something about how he would look better of his nose wasn't broken from that fight he got into (apparently he fights ? Not like street fighting more like boxing maybe ) anyways so I got pissed at her when she said that because I thought he looked amazing as always . Anyways when we went to the front yard ..(it's rare to never that I follow our guests outside and see them off before they leave ... I'm usually glad to see guests go) he gave me and I think my younger sister a hug before leaving . I never was jealous of his wife or anything and I'm still not . The reason I never felt anything hostile towards her for having married him is because I didn't think that it meant that he was lost to me and that I was nothing to him . For me he would always be the cousin I adored and cared about .

Before he left he did mention the two photographs I had taken with him when I was a kid and he had hugged me and I said I still had both . I had taken them out of the album and kept them with me ... They meant a lot to me . I was looking at the photos and smiling after he left but I quickly put them away when my older sister came to the room . Later maybe months after that my female parent told me to clean out my drawer and I think she may have rearranged some things and made me lose those photos !! Ugh !! I want them back I don't care how.


Anyways I was really into Greek mythology at school and found myself looking through animes one day also and found one called oreimo ... I read the summary and basically it was hinting at a brother and sister relationship and I acted a bit shy or flustered at first but I knew this was exactly what I wanted to watch and I realize later that both Greek mythology , oreimo , and some other stuff all related to inest so I guess all those subconscious feelings really surfaced at this point in my life . I started watching more animes with i****t theme but I only like the realistic ones not the comedic crap that uses it as some ridiculous plot device . And I couldn't stand the horror movies that made it seem like inbred children were cannibalistic deformed degenerate monsters . It's sickening to make something so beautiful look so horrible and nasty and violent .


Anyways all this made me realize I had feelings for my cousin and really understood that to the full extent .

There's more to this story like fantasies .

Also what happened after I confessed to him and what situation I'm in now . I'll probably post all that later . But I also want comments or something to let me know what you guys think and if you wanna hear the rest