Bi-Sexual Female / 35
At 33 and I was still a virgin. I had given up on having a relationship with a man. I had friends but I had never been kissed. I know I am not conventionally attractive, far from it, too thin and I don't have a pretty face. My pleasures have always been secret. Also along the way I tried with another woman. I tried thinking maybe I was meant for that. Secretly I liked having sex with her, I liked the feeling of being naked together and I even enjoyed going down on her. She had sweet breasts and sweet lips. She and I went on a cruise in the Mediterranean.
I say this because I really tried being a lesbian, but I didn't like having to be the initiator, she wanted to be made love to, but she wouldn't make love back. The more I had to initiate with her the more I fantasized about being with a man who took me. I can't relate all of the fantasies I had. I would hole myself up in my room and use one of my bigger private toys and go away in my mind to some far off place where I was kidnapped or taken away and used. My fantasies got worse and worse.
I started to take it out on her. I pretended I was some bad man who was using her and would hurt her.
At my apartment I met a man who moved in. He was divorced and had to move out of his house. He is the one that took my virginity. When he left me I was crying on the bed. Fantasizing about it and having it really happen to you are two different things. I lay on my bed until the sun came up. I showered and went to work. When I got back from work he came over. This time I gave in.
I called her and went to see her and grabbed her until she let me put my arms around her and hold her. I held her until she lay in my arms I made love to her.
He comes over and I let him. I haven't told her about him. All I know is that after I have been with him I want to be with her and show her just how much I want her. I don't lie to myself about him, when I see him I am nervous and after he leaves I feel empty. But like a moth to a light, I can't resist him. It is when I hold her that I feel good.
I live a double life,
I say this because I really tried being a lesbian, but I didn't like having to be the initiator, she wanted to be made love to, but she wouldn't make love back. The more I had to initiate with her the more I fantasized about being with a man who took me. I can't relate all of the fantasies I had. I would hole myself up in my room and use one of my bigger private toys and go away in my mind to some far off place where I was kidnapped or taken away and used. My fantasies got worse and worse.
I started to take it out on her. I pretended I was some bad man who was using her and would hurt her.
At my apartment I met a man who moved in. He was divorced and had to move out of his house. He is the one that took my virginity. When he left me I was crying on the bed. Fantasizing about it and having it really happen to you are two different things. I lay on my bed until the sun came up. I showered and went to work. When I got back from work he came over. This time I gave in.
I called her and went to see her and grabbed her until she let me put my arms around her and hold her. I held her until she lay in my arms I made love to her.
He comes over and I let him. I haven't told her about him. All I know is that after I have been with him I want to be with her and show her just how much I want her. I don't lie to myself about him, when I see him I am nervous and after he leaves I feel empty. But like a moth to a light, I can't resist him. It is when I hold her that I feel good.
I live a double life,
