At the age of 37 I was without a significant other, buried in my career and I was told that I was cold and distant. I had just never met anyone, and I was not sure if I ever would. My closest friend was female and she was much like me, no significant other. We had convinced ourselves that our lives were not meant for putting up with a man or children, we were meant for other things. She and I traveled a lot and whenever we had a place to be we went with each other, notwithstanding the rumors it created, and for some fact certain of our non-traditional relationship.

We are not lesbians, far from it, I wanted a man, but a man to my liking, smart, well to do as I was not going to support a man, and for me he had to be a lot taller than me (I am 5" 8") and my dream man would be a man who could, well be a 'man'. The man I envisioned was married to my little sister. That was the man I wanted (like him that is), a 'man'. My friend was not so specific, but she was not as needing of a man, I was, I would not admit it to anyone, but I wanted a man in my life and I wanted children of my own, my nieces and nephew were not what I wanted.

The man that came along was all wrong, I was weak, but he was not the man. He was shorter than me, and he was older than me, a lot older as he was in his mid fifties, and he had a wife albeit he was separated. But my weakness controlled me and I fell for his line and I went to be with him. I woke up feeling low and resentful, I was regretful, I wish I wasn't there. But I was and when he came over to me and go on top of me, instead of pushing him away I gave him full access and allowed him to have sex with me again. I lay there thinking what a fool I was, stupid really, allowing a married man 20 years older than me have sex with me.

I told no one about this, not my sister with whom I have a very close relationship and not my friend. I told no one.

I would go meet him, sometimes at a Holiday Inn express, and we would have sex, other times I let him into my apartment, but I made sure my light outside was off I didn't want anyone seeing him. I had convinced myself that I was just having sex, pleasure sex, he needed someone for sex and so did I. Sex, that was all.

When he told me he was going to a convention in Dallas and why I didn't take a day off work and meet him there, I said no, but I bought a ticket and I met him there. For sex.

When he took me out late one night, we went to a restaurant quite far from where I worked or lived, so no one would see me, he asked for and got oral sex in the car. When he stopped at a Motel 6, and took me in, I followed.

I knew I was addicted to the sex, I went anywhere he asked for sex, and I was just as accommodating with what he wanted. He told me that if his wife gave him sex like I did he would not be separated. Not to confuse anything, he made sure I understood that he was separated, not divorced and he wasn't going to get divorced, he just needed some time to work some things out, and he was working them out with me.

When he went back to his wife and told me he couldn't see me anymore, I stalked him. I wanted sex and I wanted sex from him. I didn't want to see another man, I wanted his sex, but he didn't come back.

I am miserable and lonely, I have had my one time in my life four month sexscapade. I am more alone than ever. I know what it is to get sex often and I miss it. My sister doesn't know, she just knows that I am depressed. My best friend doesn't know, she thinks I have problems at work. I am in love with this man and I am not going to have him. His wife is. I am back to seeing my friend and being with her. I need a man, I don't want to end up being the best friend with another woman. She is my friend, but she is not a man. I need a 'man'. I want to have intercourse, naked and in bed with a 'man'.