I was sexually abused as a child, by my mom. If you could call it "abuse"; because for some reason I don't feel abused by it at all. I don't feel "damaged" or any of those things that apparently this kind of thing is supposed to do to a person. Ironically, the fact that it doesn't bother me is what bothers me! Haha. Am I making any sense? Anyway.

For as long as I can remember we used to take showers growing up. This was as normal to me as brushing my teeth. I didn't realise that others boys didn't do it. I thought everyone was doing it. I hadn't even caught on to the fact that we only ever did it when dad was at work or away somewhere, I was that blissfully ignorant. And this was totally innocent, I thought, right up until I hit puberty. I started noticed myself "getting hard down there" and not really knowing what was going on. This happened while we were showering, of course, so mom could clearly see it, and would tell me simply that "it happens" and was nothing to worry about. But in my body I was feeling something that definitely didn't feel like nothing to worry about, as you can imagine. Especially when she'd inspect it and clean it. My hormones were raging.

We continued on like nothing out of the ordinary, her running the shower, getting undressed, etc - but after a while I started to obsess over her body. I thought she was beautiful. And looking back, I felt like probably the luckiest boy in the world; this fully grown woman with big round breasts and curves and soft skin and lovely hands just rubbing soap all over my body. I noticed my penis being erect pretty much the entire time we would shower. Mom would eventually tell me, playfully, that i was hard "because you love me!" And I believed her, because I did. I noticed myself touching her more, offering to wash her, finding myself hugging her while we showered, etc. I felt overwhelmed with emotion during this time. All I can really remember were these long sessions in the shower where I was just mentally in another world, consumed by lust and not really knowing it. Mom wouldn't resist anything I did, either, accepting me with love, holding me back. Sometimes we would get out of the shower and both of us would be wrinkled prunes, we were in there so long.

Eventually my touches started becoming more pronounced, and rough. I'd squeeze her ass, and her breasts, and hold her waist close to mine, almost instinctively rubbing myself up against her, feeling all kinds of strange sensations building up. At this point I had no idea what I was really doing, I was just letting my instincts take over. I figured I was just playing around, but in my body I felt something totally different. Mom didn't resist, as usual, and one day reached down holding my erect penis in her hand - which I thought was to stop it bumping into her stomach. Looking back now, I know she was masturbating me. As she held me I felt the urge to pee, and told her so. She just told me over and over to "let it out, it's okay, let it all out" or something to that effect. So I did, and had my first orgasm. I remember seeing all the white stuff coming out and freaking out a little bit, but mom made me feel safe, and told me it was all normal. My memory was pretty hazy at this point, but I remember we sat on the shower recess floor for a long while as she held me, kissing me on my head and my neck.

From that point on we continued having showers but I was afraid to let it go as far as it did. Mom didn't object at all. She told me about what happened and what it meant, and that it's how babies are made, and where it all happens. Again this was all while we were showering, so I basically had a first-hand sex ed class. I used to think I wanted mom to be my girlfriend. And I'd tell her this every time. I even asked her to marry me a few times. Haha.

Then I suppose this is where she started the "abuse", because at this point she started getting me to bathe her, rubbing soap all over her body and taking special care between her legs. She would bend over as i washed her vagina, getting me to rinse it off and massage it with my hands. Basically I was masturbating her without knowing it, and she loved it. She would kiss me on the neck as I did it, and soon enough would slowly masturbate me. Our shower sessions soon changed from being about bathing to being almost completely about pleasuring each other. For almost an entire year I would be regularly ejaculating in her hands, and eventually orally, almost every other day - doing the same thing to her with my hands. At one point she would rub my penis on her clitoris to get herself off, saying that it was easier that way. Soon after that we would have sex. I always remember the first instant it happened, as she got me to sit down on the shower recess floor and knelt over me, inserting me inside her and sitting down gently on my lap. Her moans were so loud I thought I was hurting her, but she just kept saying over and over that it felt so good, and that I was going to give her a baby.