I left my boyfriend a couple months ago. I'm not going to pretend that he didn't r**e and abuse me on a regular basis, and I know I didn't do anything to deserve the way he treated me. At the time I hated it, I cried myself to sleep most nights and flinched whenever he so much as moved.

But more and more lately I've been missing him, I miss laying in his arms and kissing him most, which I guess is normal. What I don't think is normal is, I'm starting to miss the way he treated me, too. I went out with a few guys since him, and they treated me wonderfully, but it was boring. I wanted them to treat me the way he did, but how do you ask someone you barely know to do that?

I used to have nightmares about the things he did to me. Punching me in the face out of the blue while he fucked me, choking me until I passed out, locking all my clothes in a trunk so I had to walk around naked and couldn't leave the apartment for a month. He recorded me begging for my clothes back, calling myself names and sucking his cock until he agreed.

I think about those things now and they make me wet. The uncertainty, the pain, the humiliation, the fear of what he might do next. I can't stop thinking about it, wanting to go back to that, to him.

I want to go back to him, to apologize for leaving, to do anything I have to to make it up to him and to get him to take me back, even if he's with someone else now I don't care if he keeps both of us. I want him to take me back and never let me leave again no matter how much I might want to.