I am a sadist. I adore torturing people. It makes my dick hard. Unfortunately I also have a conscience. I hate the idea of being the source of harm to anyone or even the source of any kind of pain or suffering. It is like I have a split personality. I want to make a girl scream in agony for hours while I slowly and sadistically mutilate her most sensitive parts but at the same time I don't want to ever make anyone cry or suffer on account of me.

I wish there was such a thing as an indestructible hyper masochist. Someone who could not be really harmed no matter what I did to her and who was obsessed with having me to the most vile things to her. Perhaps someone who I could torture slowly to death and then after I kill her she magically comes back to life and thanks me for the wonderful agony I inflicted upon her.

I have played with some accommodating women who, once I explained my weird fetish went on to beg me to torture them to death (not for real, just play acting) and that was some of the best sex. I have found some girls who were real masochists but alas not indestructible. One was willing to let me strangle her to death but we couldn't come up with a full proof way to hide my crime and the evidence, her body and I don't like bloody messes so chopping her up was out of the question so we settled for me whipping her tits and pussy and sticking needles in her sensitive body parts while she told me how wonderful the agony was and kept begging me to do more extreme things to her. She was the cause of some of my best cums ever.

I think I know where my weird fetish might come from. When I was around 11 years old a girl the same age lived near me. We became friends and got along very well. We hung out together and were almost inseparable for a couple of years. But one day we got into an argument and she said some really mean things to me and I hauled off and punched her in the face. I immediately regretted it and I actually broke down in tears and dropped to my knees and begged her for forgiveness. She burst out in laughter and giggled hysterically and uncontrollably for a few minutes then said "do it again I liked it." Something snapped in me and I punched her in the face again and she just stood their giggling like a maniac. She kept telling me she liked the way if felt. Afterwards I didn't like what her face looked like after I slugged her twice and I felt really bad about it despite her telling me she liked it and even said I could have punched her more and harder if I wanted to but as I said, I didn't like what I did to her pretty face. It was a couple of weeks before the bruises and swelling finally went down. she made up a story to tell her folks that kept me out of trouble but after that she invited me to hit her from time to time when she was in the mood. I'd have married her if she hadn't moved away. Or at least I'd have wanted to.

One girl I met on line said I could torture her to death if I promised to eat her afterwards. I am not into eating human flesh and I'm also not fond of the sight of blood which is inconvenient for a sadist. If I were ever to kill someone I think I would prefer to strangle them.

I know I am fucked in the head but I don't think I am a danger to any normal girl. I would only be a danger to a very suicidal masochist who would have to be equally as sick as I am and is a true masochist because my dick gets soft the instant I think the girl isn't enjoying the experience. And I am not good at taking vague hints so she is going to have to explicitly tell me how she wants to be tortured and prove she likes it. That first tear would end my interest.

I think what I really need is to win a billion dollars playing the lottery and then commission and android in the form of a teen age girl and program it to giggle and laugh and beg for more as I beat the living shit out of her.