This confession is not for everyone so I'll say it up front it is not so sexy. I was r**ed. And I just need a place to vent.

I was r**ed and it was not sexy it was brutal. And I did not tell anyone not even my husband. It happened while he was deployed so he very saw the bruises and marks. I feel so horrible because it is my fault because I am just so stupid. How could I let this happen? I was so lonely so I went out for a few drinks. Some guys flirted with me, bought me drinks, got me tipsy. They saw my ring but are the kind of guys who did not care. I flirted back with a couple of them. I was lonely and and honeatly a little turned on. I likely slipped from flirting to teasing or maybe even suggesting I'd be down for something with one or both of tbem. I was not. I was playing them for drinks and attention. And while I was sexually frustrated to the max I'd never cheat on Ben.

I knew my limit and having done a little more passed it by letting on on them literally grind to the music on my backside in the corner it was time to stop. At first he was just standing and swaying and lightly dance with me from behind but he got erect and I was so turned on when I finally realized what was bushing on myour ass then grinding on me. I left. I am not a cheater. I was lonely and horny and close to drunk but I could not do this to Ben.

What happened to me is not related to the bar. They did not r**e me but they made me stay out late and how far I almost went makes me believe I deserve what happened. I don't know how I got home. I was pretty close to drunk. I should not have been driving. Whoever r**ed me had access to the buildings underground parking. He likely was waiting to r**e anyone he found a chance to but I was the stupid one. A women should not being.in a parking garage at 3 am with out a weapon. I was weak, dumb, and barely could walk. I bet when he saw me he thought he hit the jackpot pot.

There is not much to tell. His face was covered and when he stepped out between cars I knew what was next. I tried to run. He punched me in the face full force and knocked me down. I cried, I yelled, I begged, but it was the lower level of a caring garage at 3 am he knew I had no hope.

There was not a lot of talking from him just brutal forcell and one or two words phrases like, "Get up", "Let me see those tits", and, "such a good whore".

Basically, he slapped me around a lot as he tore off my clothes, literally punched me in the breasts respectedly and once hard in the virgina. He had me pinned against a car door and once i was naked was just beating the hell out of me; and part of me thought he might just kill me before he r**es me. I was terrifed. He gave full punches and he backhanded my eye over and over until it was swollen shut. The he me over a car and I knew what came next. I was drunk, beaten, bleeding, and happy to still be alive so I let him take it and gave no resistance. He fucked me hard and emotionaless but reached under me grabbing at my breasts digging his nails into them. He was not trying to cup them he was trying to puncture or tear then with his nails (which he did) At one point he had my nipped between two nails and I honestly thought if it was possible he might tear it off. It was clear this was as much about terrifying me and hurting me as sex. As he got close to his orgasm he started literally punching me hard in the back of me head over and over saying, "I'm Cummings feel it bitch" over and over.

What I can't explain makes me feel guilty the most, I honestly done know why but I cummed too. Fuck, I hate myself for that. Why the fuck would my body do that? I did not feel good, I was terrified and was getting the shit kicked out of me. Yet as soon as he started punching me in the back of the head saying he was cumming I did too. The only thing I can think of is knowing it was almost over made me cum. Is that possible?

When it was over, he said nothing. I heard him walk away. When I knew he was gone I dragged myself to the elevator called in work to take 2 weeks leave and did not come out until my husband was back.

For all I know my rapist lives in my building and watches me. Sometimes when I am alone I have flashbacks like I am reliving it. And I find myself masterbating to it as I relive it. I know, I am horrible. I hate myself. I have no idea why I do it and I feel hopless, scared, and worthless.

I'll never tell anyone, Mostly because I am scared they will find out I cummed and still do from it.

I know, you don't need to say it. I am horrible