I used to be distraught about this, but the more I find out that I am not alone, I am more at ease with it.

My older brother had a friend and they would hang out after school. I was ignored, unless my brother wanted me to do something for him, like bring them lemonade or something. I had made a batch of cookies and my brother and his friend were outside sitting beside the pool and I took them the cookies and the lemonade. After I served them I asked if I could sit with them and my brother told me to shoo and get back in the house but his friend said sure and pulled me down onto his lap.

I had to maneuver to get comfortable, but still on his lap and he started to hump up against me and I could feel him getting hard under my butt. He held me real tight against him and asked me if I could feel his penis getting hard. Really I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, but he took my hand and put it on his penis and told me to rub him with my hand.

He was hard and he was maneuvering his penis in his pants and made me sit square on him with my back to him and pulled me up hard against his chest and started to rock back and forth with his penis against me. My legs fell apart around his legs and he put his hand right in between my legs and kept touching me while he humped me.

Then, he stopped, he took me off of him, and stood up from the chair and took his pants off and his penis was so large and hard, and he was fumbling with my pants and he pushed them off until my butt was naked and told me to sit on him facing him and he used his hand while holding his penis until he found my vagina and grabbed me around the shoulders and I just slid on his penis and it went in all the way.

Held tight against him, we rocked back in forth until he started shooting. After he finished he held my head in a vice grip and kissed me on the lips and told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend.

After we got dressed, and we thought about what we had done, we agreed not to tell anyone. My brother never let me have another boyfriend, as far as he was concerned I was his friend's girlfriend for life. From then on I always made sure that I had something special for them, really him, not my brother. I made cookies and pies and stuff, and I knew he liked my lemonade so I always had lemonade for him. I would sometimes sit on his lap, but if my mother was around all I could do was take him an afternoon snack.

One day long after that afternoon, I was helping my mother in the kitchen, when my brother came home and told me that I was needed outside. My boyfriend was moving, his parents were going to move to Toronto. Even my mother understood that my attachment was real and not a little kid thing, and she told me I could talk to him on the phone once a week.

The distance made things very hard on me.

We are both grown up now, and we don't talk about that afternoon. It was something to be hidden away, but recently it has come back to the surface, and I am learning to embrace it.