My later teens were a roller coaster, I was having sex with this guy, in the shadows because my parents didn't approve of me hanging out with an older guy, and also spending naked time with my next door neighbor. She and I were experimenting, we mostly had oral sex, and helped fuck each other with a dildo she borrowed from her mom. She knew I as doing the real thing, and she asked me to ask him to do it to her too.

I wasn't jealous of him, I was jealous of her. It hurt my feelings so bad when he had sex with her. I didn't know I had those feelings. I asked her not to do that any more, she was my girlfriend. But I kept doing it with him, and she had to accept that. I think that was my first real adultish crush, the first person I felt belonged to me, and the first person I told I loved.

Telling yourself that you are in love with a girl was hard. The more time went by the more I wanted to be with her. He became a nuisance, always coming around when I wanted to be with her. I finally cut him off.

I am still in love with her, after all this time. She eventually married and settled down, and I settled into my career. Sex is only with guys, and it is only for sex, and it is only one night stands, do me and get it over with and leave. But do me good, if I have tears in my eyes I am enjoying the pain, hurt me and especially spank me hard while you are doing me, make me suffer and then go away.

That is not the best formula for a healthy sex life. What I want is to lay down on my bed and have my first love come and lie beside me and tell me she loves me. But she that is the past, she lies beside a man and tells him she loves him and invites him to get on top of her. So all I can do is troll wine bars, get picked up by some sleaze in a suit and go home with him and get the shit fucked out of me. I have trolled for women, but never hooked up, I can't, I want to be fucked by a man who is out for a one night stand.