In college I was on a sports scholarship for soccer. I played forward on the women's soccer team and was in very good shape. A guy, who will call Phil, got a hold of me and knocked me up. No one supported me with an abortion, especially Phil and my parents. "Have the baby and then decide', 'a baby is a gift from God'. 'you messed around now live with the consequences', 'once the baby is here you will see how wonderful it is to be a mother', 'you don't have to marry him, but you have to respect him, after all he is the father of your child'.

In the end I was the one that had the child, I lost my scholarship. I should add for the sake of full disclosure that I have some lesbian tendencies, and I was in a relationship with another girl on the team when Phil knocked me up. I broke off my relationship and I half dated Phil while I was pregnant. Bottom line the baby was born and I wasn't married.

I am a stay at home mom, but Phil has taken the opportunity to make a family with me and I have three children now. I am still not married because I can't just walk away from how I feel. Right now I am with another girl, she works at an insurance agency, she is 25.

I get 1800 a month in child support, plus what I make teaching Yoga, so I get about 3100 a month and my girlfriend makes about 2400 a month so together we are doing ok. But Phil wants me to move in with him and just quit my girlfriend and focus on him and out kids and have another one. I stay at home full time. And I can finish my college degree.

I have confessed this to him, I am all for giving him my full attention and having another kid and becoming his wife full time. But what I cannot promise is that I can successfully break up with my girlfriend. When I was in college my relationship was for the most part physical, we slept together. But this relationship is not, it is more than real, on both our parts.

I know for the sake of the kids I should just hang it up and do what Phil wants, get married have another child. But I don't know if I can bring myself to breaking up with my girlfriend and I do not what Phil to do it for me. I know it is not supposed to be possible but I love Phil, I didn't when I first got involved with him, but I do now. The thing is it is like a quiet love, deep and personal, but not at all like the love I have for my girlfriend, and I love her too.

I wish I wasn't confused, but I am. It is my mess and I have to sleep in it, but that doesn't make it any less confusing and anxious. I don't think I can ever say to my girlfriend that we have to break up, I could never say those words.