I list myself as bisexual, but 10 years ago I would have listed myself as straight without a second thought, and I suspect that 10 years from now I will be listing myself as gay with only faded memories to give pause. What I find the most terrifying about my decades-long journey from straight to gay is that even as a great part of me has dreaded and fought against every step, I can't deny that in the end, it was always me who chose to take that next step. Did I understand how far I would go? No. Could I have turned back? Maybe not. But that's only because on the whole, I didn't want to turn back. Not enough. What lay ahead disgusted me, but it aroused me even more.

Early on, I thought: "Sure I can look at some guy's cock while I jack myself off, to break a taboo and get a naughty thrill, but I don't actually find cock arousing and that's genetic, so this is as far as it can go."

Later, I thought: "Sure I get hard now when I see gay porn, but that's just a conditioned response from jacking off to pictures of cock, and I don't actually find the male body arousing, so this is as far as it can go."

Later still, I thought: "Sure I find the male body appealing now, and I get hard just thinking about a well muscled chest, or a low-hanging ball sac, or a thick, beautiful cock, but it's just a porn fantasy, and I'm never attracted to real men in the real world, so this is as far as it can go."

As you might imagine, I later found myself thinking: "Sure I have to watch I don't get hard in the locker room now when there's a good looking guy all naked with his dick hanging there, swinging there, like a lure, but I wouldn't have those thoughts if his clothes were on, and I have no romantic interest in him because I'm genetically straight, so that's as far as it can go."

And then it was: "Sure, now I have to think of a man to cum inside a woman, but it's just a sexual fantasy thing. I still prefer to look at women on the street or on TV. So what if they don't get me hard anymore? The men there don't either."

And today it was: "Damn. So now I find myself looking at the fully clothed men in TV shows and undressing them with my eyes and getting hard, while the women beside them, whom I know are gorgeous, have no effect on my cock at all."

Last year I got hard just talking to a guy whom I thought was gay, as soon as I let my mind entertain sexual thoughts of him. Something tells me that my journey isn't over, and that I might actually choose to suck a real man's cock before I die after all. Or even that I might lie with him all night, or kiss him on the mouth, or let him fuck me up the ass. Who can say? But I haven't been able to turn back yet.