First off I'd like to thank those that gave me a few encouraging words at my last post, reassuring me that I probably am not losing my mind or probably not as big of degenerate as I feel that I am being. Everything is just so different since my husband's passing, but I continue to find that I am able to cope and deal with things now on my own. Thank you.

I posted a couple weeks ago and since then I find that I am starting to feel a lot differently about my situation. I am starting to feel attractive again, and watching what I wear a lot more carefully. I may be starting to find a path through my darkness.

I continue to swim almost daily. I don't know what motivated me to try it on, but I was struck my a whimsical thought a couple days ago that I have a string bikini that I have almost never worn, my late husband bought it for me on a trip to Acapulco, and since the trip I don't think I've worn it a half of a dozen times. I fumbled upon it while going through my lingerie drawer and I thought to myself, "Why not just see if it still fits."

I couldn't help but notice I was noticeably smiling as I checked the fit in my bedroom mirror. No tight or baggy spots, in fact it may fit better now than when my husband bought it for me. Swimming daily does wonderful things! I was so pleased. I felt wonderful, even maybe younger again and more attractive. I didn't want to take it off, so I wore it again for my daily swim. Of course the boys came over again and they were all in the pool in an instant.

They always leave me alone as I swim laps, and I don't even think about it, but this time I wondered I they would notice. As I mentioned before my husband had always said that I had a great body, and that is why he bought me this suit. He said, "You're not coving up while we've down here on vacation. Let 'em see what they are missing up North." I know vanity, vanity, vanity! I ran headfirst into the side of the pool. One of the boys saw me hit, and was instantly at my side, holding me up in the deep end.

I wasn't hurt and I would have been OK, but when I felt his naked torso against me, I was breathless, I threw my arms around him and held on as he worked along the side of the pool to the ladder. As I was getting out my thigh brushed across the boys trunks, and what I felt made me gasp with surprise. I am pretty sure he as hard. Since I was getting out of the pool, I doubt he noticed my gasp, but he did blush a little as I climbed he ladder and he basically got mooned. By this time the other boys and my son were gathering around to make sure I was OK, I assured them that I was, and laughed off the suggestion that I may need mouth to mouth. I may be evil, but I couldn't help but steel a glimpse to see if I was right about the boy in the water with me. I had to turn away as I blushed, because several of the boys seemed like their speedos were stretching.

I almost ran as I hurried to my room and began to indulge myself, using the casting of my husband's manhood and forbidden thoughts of the young men just on the other side of the wall. I continued in private until long after the boys left for the day.

still--a degenerate, perverted mom in Oregon