I am in my mid twenties with 3 kids. Me and my boyfriend have literally never talked about marriage. Hes the type of guy that makes you feel ugly and undesirable because he literally never tells his girlfriend that shes pretty, attractive, nothing...
I have put up with a lot simply because I love my children and always put them before myself, I dont want them growing up in a broken home dividing all their time between families. Thats too common these days and its pretty shitty, i know because i grew up in a broken home. I remember when we 1st started dating, he always made me feel so safe, i remember our 1 year anniversary was coming up and thinking to myself "Wow, i finally am in a relationship that hasnt turned violent!" I was extremely happy about that and proud of myself because i have never been in a serious relationship where I wasn't hit. About a month before our 1 year anniversary he choked me out while i was holding my 1 year old in my lap. My biggest life regrets will always be my children exposed to violent behavior towards their mother from anyone....
I never got an apology, because he will never be sorry for the things he has done. Each incident just got worse and worse, he even told me once i deserved being punched in the face by my ex. He calls me terrible things in front of our kids, like slut, c**t, scumbag, worthless piece of shit, dumb bitch, one time even fat ass... When i got pregnant, it didnt stop. I was so sure i would lose the baby that i didnt see a doctor or tell anyone for the 1st 4 months. I had a c section, so the thought of someone hitting me, or.pushing me down, really terrified me. I am a stay at home mom, so if anything ever happened to me, i wouldnt be able to take care of my children. I actually thought things were changing after i had the baby, but i should have known better.
Tonight he waited until my back was turned to hit me in the back of the head in front of my 10 month old.... what hurts is knowing my children have been exposed to that kind of violence at such a young age. I know he doesn't love me, but i often wonder if he even loves our children, to put them in the positions he does, making them feel unsafe and scared.. i feel like im failing them as a mother by allowing someone to disrespect me and hurt me the way he does. I dont know what to do, i have nowhere to go with my children, i know im not safe and sometimes i really am afraid that one day i might die, and then who will take care of my babies? I dont really have anyone... my parents are dead, and i know if they were alive, i would not be in this situation. They would have done anything for me. I cant leave when i have nowhere to go. I feel like it would be selfish of me to leave, and struggle. If i stay my kids have everything they need and more. Thats why i stay, for them. I dont think i love him anymore after all the ways he has hurt me, but, i cant help but cry everytime, i cant help but hurt. I feel like im dying inside. I never talk to anybody about my problems because i dont want people i love to worry and stress about me. Plus whats the point? It wont change anything. Ive even left out a lot of details about incidents because it hurts to relive them, and sometimes things got pretty bad... All i can do is pray and trust that there is a reason for everything. I know one day i will be where i am meant to be, but for now this is where i am meant to be at this time. I am basically a house wife who is not married. He works, he brings in all the money and takes care of us, without him we have nothing, not even a car. I guess the only thing i can do is vent on here where nobody knows me, nobody will worry about me. I often wish i could afford therapy, just so i have someone to talk to, to cry to, to vent to. I know i dont deserve this life, im a good person, i do anything for anyone, i really do, sometimes too much but helping others makes me feel good. Purposeful. I know i deserve to be happy with or wothout someone. I know i dont deserve to be with a person that doesnt love me though. One day i will get my chance to leave with my babies and never look back, i have faith.