I have posted about this before, it seems confessing it just made my problems worse. I confessed back in February about having crazy dreams about a penis spontaneously growing when I was excited, and then forcing myself on a gf or other female victim in my dreams. After confessing my sleeping thoughts, my dreams, became fixated on this line of actions in my dreams, I couldn't, and still cannot, get it out of my head. I thought maybe if I "played out" the dream, then I could get past it.

I decided to get one of those realistic strap on type of sex toy and see how it made me feel. I found a "strapless" kind that has a built in vibe feature. When I saw it, I closed the page my heart was racing so fast. I blushed bright red from realizing this dream fixation was now affecting my real life! Still I could not get the dream out of my head and now the sex toy, quite a bit of my waking time I found myself thinking about and wanting to buy the "strapless dildo". I started waking from my dreams actually in climax, but angry that I didn't actually have an appendage down there. I finally gave in and ordered it.

Things seemed to calm down after that, my mind was a lot more at ease during the day, and at night my dreams took on a more normal and rarely sexual content. After a few days I thought maybe my fixation ended by acknowledging it and making the order, but that thought was very short lived. The next day I found the package in my mail.

I saw the package and knew exactly what it was. I blushed so hard it felt like my face was sunburnt, my heart was racing, and I was weak in my knees. I literally had to keep one hand on furniture to steady me as I took the package back to my bedroom. I sat on the bed looking at the package, my mind racing with what this meant. I finally grabbed the package and threw it in my nightstand drawer, and ran out of the room.

Two glasses of wine later, I was calming down. Terrified, my mind started to realize that I actually had ordered it, and began to try to rationalize why. I must have finished the bottle while I argued and fretted with emotions, and found myself passed out on my bed the next morning. I reached over and opened the drawer to my nightstand, I hadn't dreamed it. There it was.

I can remember reaching for it, and a slow mothing blur as I unwrapped the package, some fumbling with the batteries, and trying the switch to turn it on, but then I decided to see how it feels. When I felt the quivering knob enter me and press tightly to me, then my legs close and the feel of the hard quivering appendage now part of me I want crazy! I grabbed it and held on. That made it shake inside of me even more. My hips started to move and the quivering to pressed against me inside, I started humping my hands! It was like the dream, I wanted, no I needed to force myself on someone.

I grabbed my pillow and tossed it under me, and started humping. I was angry! The noises I was making were frightening, I was angrily growling and humping wildly against the pillow. By the time I was reaching climax, I was literally bouncing off the bed with each thrust. My entire body stiffened, then shook uncontrollably. I became aware that I was screaming. Screaming filthy vile names at the pillow, calling it every disgustingly filthy and demeaning name I had ever heard, and I was squirting. My juices were spraying all over my pillow. I didn't care. In my mind I was forcing myself on my date as I had done so many time in my dreams.

I don't know how long it took, but I started to come back to reality. The wave of climaxes subsided, and I lay atop my pillow catching my breath. I started to realize what I had done, and I took the toy out of me and let it fall on the bed, still vibrating. I looked at it and scooted back up against my headboard and pulled my knees up to my chin. I just sat there looking the thing vibrating on the bed, and my wet pillow, and smelling what had happened.

I just looked at it telling myself, "That was not me. I would not do that. I am not like that."

After staring for the longest time, I realized it was not going to vanish. I grabbed it and threw it in the drawer again, like it would make it go away. I could hear it even louder as I vibrated in the drawer. I reached in and grabbed, turned it off, and threw it back in the drawer. I sat there realizing that was me that did that.

I hoped I had it out of my system, but the dreams were still there at night. The next day my thoughts fixated on the toy in my drawer, and I began wanting it, building up more until I needed it again. I did it again.... and then the same torment started again... and it did it again... I find myself at it every day now, and it is less and less fulfilling as time goes on. I want to actually invite a friend over and fulfill my dream, my nightmare that taunts me endlessly. Right now I "want" to do this for real. I know this is going to build until I need to do it. I know this is not normal, but I know eventually I will.