When I was a child, I loved everything to do with childbirth. At home, there was a book on pregnancy and childbirth, and my favorite section was the childbirth section. A little later, I recall watching a film, and there was a scene where a woman was giving birth. Details since then are very hazy. I remember that I discovered how to masturbate very young, too, perhaps around 5 years old? I didn't know it was called masturbation, then. I would bunch up my blanket and pretend it was a baby coming out. Pressing it against myself was simulating, even then.

In my head, I would imagine giving birth. Sometimes, I did it to sleep. There is a gap where I do not recall masturbating anymore. Back then, I never had any urges. It came back around my mid teens, and this time I had a strange feeling that it was all very wrong. My imaginings were much less 'innocent' too.

I took a dirty, horrifying pleasure in imagining myself in two scenarios. Forcefully penetrating someone and getting them pregnant, or being forcefully penetrated and becoming pregnant. Rational thought told me that I was a very sick, disgusting creature. How could I like this kind of humiliation? As I grew older, and continued to indulge in this growing fetish, it expanded to include my childhood obsession - birth. Strangely, my mind fantasizes about giving birth painfully. A screaming, moaning, groaning, panting, painful process which makes me want to touch myself.

Never have I opened up to anyone about this, not even to myself, until recently. I tried to convince myself that this was normal, that everyone is turned on by something, and there are people like me, or where would I get such stories online? But I cannot accept this part of myself any longer. I faced myself one day, and decided to put a name to my 'problem' so that I could find a 'solution'. I don't want to feel disgusting anymore. Why can't my fetishes be more 'normal'?

Soul searching began first in hentai, I had started masturbating again upon accidentally encountering a hentai on the internet. I realized after some dark nights that I liked the 'impregnation' and 'pregnant' tags most. This information I brooded over for months before I continued my 'research'. I admit that my intentions were not completely pure. Hentai is very graphic, and sometimes I feel very sick reading it, so I turned to literature to further explore what really turned me on. This was when I discovered hoards of impregnation related fiction. It was slightly comforting to know that I wasn't alone.

After a nasty, smelly and wet browse through the links that came up on Google, I came across a blog that wasn't just about impregnation, but also about birth. At the time, I was too engrossed in pleasuring myself to make little connections with my childhood interests. Even though I knew that I liked imagining the whole process of being impregnated, being pregnant, and giving birth, I didn't know until the day after I came across that blog that my whole fetish actually revolved around 'birth'. In my childhood all I was interested in was the whole painful grunting and screaming process. Now I was terribly turned on by being sexually used while in labor, while I scream and gasp as I am trying to push something out of me. I like the idea of being pierced by a dick as I spread my legs wide apart, helpless and in pain while I scream and grip my knees, pushing and puffing. Even now, I am slightly turned on by writing that. Isn't that absolutely sick?

Another scenario that turns me on is a kind of breeding party scene, where many women are forced to become nothing more than breeding mares. They are treated worse than animals, forced to accept all forms of sexual abuse, Of course, they are forcefully impregnated, often tied down with legs spread. It gets worse as they struggle against the men that are using them. After giving birth, they are impregnated immediately again.

Now this fetish existed even before I discovered hentai, so I cannot blame it. My earliest sick fantasy even before I started masturbating again, was the penetration of women who are completely concealed, just their butts and vagina and legs exposed. The reason for penetration would always be impregnation, though. I do not like the cum dumpster idea. There must be a reason for penetration, and to me the most important thing is procreation. Just that in my mind, I like it when the process is very animalistic.

I guess my fetish therefore, is a very convulated mixture of animalistic impregnation, pregnancy and birth. Perhaps when it is simplified, the thing that really turns me on is a woman having to spread her legs very wide and exposing herself to dangers as a result. Which all makes sense, yet makes no sense at all.

The rational me whose head is not clouded by lust tells me that I need to help myself and stop this mad fetish of mine which has had such a grip on me, even while I was a child. Was I born with a curse? I just want to like normal things. To be turned on by someone loving me, and not by someone wanting to impregnate me and use me all through my pregnancy. I can't bring myself to see a therapist and confess this disgusting side of myself to anyone. Not ever. It's a sickness I need to purge myself off. Yet I keep going back because I can't stop my sexual drive. Isn't there a way to change your fetishes? Are they some deep set part of you? If so, why was I beset with something like this? I know that there are others, and there must be some reason why we are all so twisted. I cannot accept an opinion that says that it's perfectly natural to have such a fetish. Pregnancy and childbirth should be something sacred, not perverse. There are others I know, who would not agree with me, but I say that I can't accept myself, nor can I accept people like me.

And yet, like the hypocrite I am, I keep going back...

When can I stop this sick, sick loop? More importantly, how?