I married out of loneliness and desperation. I do not love my husband. My husband has a lover, a mistress that he keeps in one of our rent houses. It is no longer a secret, I know when he goes to see her and he tells me if they had sex or not. If they did not have sex he expects me to have sex. I do, but really I would prefer it if he had sex with her every time.

I don't believe that I am cold. It is just that I never had any feelings for my husband and sex with him is not fulfilling. I do think that he is a lot more romantic with her. If I could I would like to see what he does when he is with her. All I can do is imagine and my fantasies and imagination get pretty wild at times. I really don't believe that she would do the things I imagine, but you never know.

On one occasion two years ago I went to the house of a coworker and we had sex. He was much more adventurous and demanded a lot more, but I felt guilty to the point of getting sick over it. I don't understand why I feel guilty but I do. I don't feel any jealousy when he is with her. When he comes home and he didn't have sex with her, I ask him what happened and sometimes I get pretty mad with him for not being nicer to her. After all she is his girlfriend and she needs his attention, and his help. If he did not help her I would, I would not want to see her living like she did before she met him.

I don't have children. I have asked him to see if she wants children. I think a young woman should have the opportunity to have a child. If he is her lover and he supports her then he should also give her the gift of a child. I have decided that if he doesn't speak to her soon, I will. Getting older and alone is not something I wish on anyone, much less this girl. I want her to be happy and have a full life, something I have not had.