Weird things my wife does during sex (100% true)...

1. She snorts like a pig around my neck and ears and nibbles at me asking, "is this a truffle? Nope." She also sometimes does that to my cock before she starts sucking. Apparently that is a truffle, just for the record.

2. If she's ever on top before we start fucking, she will a) pull my face into her boobs and use her arms to try and to suffocate me and b) proceed to swing them back and forth and try to hit me in the face. Every. Single. Time. She has C cups, so this isn't as effective a bludgeoning tool as she thinks it is. There is also evil laughter involved, like nailing the little sister of a super villain.

2a. Since she has unsuccessfully attacked me at this point, she feels the need to ram into me full speed to try and knock me down. I weigh twice what she does, so that doesn't work from a physics-standpoint.

3. 80% of the time we have sex, she initiates it by casually walking past me naked, laying on her stomach on the bed, and pointing at her open mouth while going "ahh, ahh" to signify to me that she has discovered the correct place for my cock to go. She will proceed to do this until I get it right.

3a. If I leave for any reason, she makes baby sloth noises until I return and place said member back in it's rightful holder.

3b. Once this is correct, she moves my hands to her shoulders and back for a back rub, then wiggles wildly while I do it to show me that again, I have correctly completed the desired move.

4. She "talks dirty" in this weird voice that I can only describe as the witch from Conan the Barbarian (The Movie with Swartzeneggar) filtered through Bobby Boucher's mom from The Waterboy. I didn't think this combination was possible to create with human vocal chords, but nature is strange and wonderful.

We've been together a long time and our sex is pretty good overall, so I'm okay sharing this stuff. I hope other people have weird things their lovers do, too. Sex is strange, people!