So a few years ago, middle of the night one night, I was sitting in the living room in the dark trying to get rid of a headache. From where I we sitting there's like a clear view of the kitchen.

Well, my oldest daughter tiptoes out and into the kitchen, and sneaks back to her room with a cucumber without noticing me either way. Once she's back in her room and the door's locked, I go into the fridge and cut a slit into each of the remaining cucumbers.

The next morning she's sitting at the kitchen table and I come out. I go in the fridge and grab the one without the slit, coincidentally the thickest one by a noticeable margin, and sit at the table across from her. I make sure she notices I'm holding it and recognizes which one it is, but I act like nothing's up, and then I just eat it. The whole cucumber.

She looks mortified, like she's going to have a heart attack or throw up or something. I ask her what's wrong. Nothing, she says. Then she leaves for school and never brings it up again, but she still looks embarrassed whenever cucumbers are around.