I have always been the person that would always do it on a dare, the girl looking for the endless party, and not taking a care in the world until my college graduation celebration: I drank way too much, the last I remember from the party was doing tequilla that's and doing some coke. After that I just have fleeting glimpses of the night.

When I woke I had seamen drying in my hair, caked on my face, and dripping from my holes. Cum was heavy on my breath and taste. 3 days later my best friend talked me into getting testex--no std's. I read the report and sat weaping from relief.

By the next day I was starting getting back to normal, I put out a few resumes and as they say: "the other shoe dropped".

I was late.

I got the other test, and it was positive.

New out of college, pregnant and trying to make it on my own. Realty hit me. It hit me hard; .y life was going to change. I quit drinking, flushed all my drugs, and started eating right and taking prenatal vitamins. For the first time in years,I was sober and drug free for more than two days in a row.

I woke cramping and bleeding. It was a miscarriage, 10 weeks late and lost the baby. The mass came out in the bed. I could only lay beside it sobbing.

The guilt and sadness that wracks my soul now is that I don't know if my tears were for what was lost or relief. I am not a bad person, but who is received at the loss of an innocent life. I know I cannot go back to what I was, but I don't know who or what I am any more.