I am from a upper middle class home, college, and have had every opportunity. I chose to marry, upper middle class, be a mom, and work part time. My life is almost a cookie cutter existence, except my secret haunts me and pulls me into my life of deception.

I'm black. That is not my secret, it is obvious, I am ebony from head to toe, but it does have everything to do with my secret.

Back in High School I was working closing, fast food, when a redneck pulled up to pick up his order, "Ain't you the perties n****r." That was his words. I blushed like I was on fire, not from anger, but from embarrassment on how it made me feel. I wanted to say: "Yes, Sir."

I finished the order and ran to the bathroom. I thought it would be to cry, but no tears. I realized then that I was becoming very sexually aroused thinking of being called that name. Later that night I played in bed thinking about what he had called me.

At a college drunken party a group of "Southern Boys" cornered me, they were drunk and I was leaving their company when: "Hey n****r girl! Suck my dick." Blushing, I turned, and did just that. I unzipped him and sucked his pathetic white cock. His friends unzipped and kept me on my knees the rest of the night.

I have since been "n****r slut" to more than a dozen vile, trashy white men. Each time they made some degrading comment accompanied by that demeaning name, "n****r". Each time it is the same, I blush, sometimes rage follows, but each time I am sexually aroused and stripped of all dignity, and become their mindless slut.

I am black, my husband is blak, and my children are black. If my husband knew I was slitting myself to white men, and how easy it is for them to have me, I am sure he would kick me out, but I am what they call me, a "n****r slut".