Embracing my pregnancy. I am 39 and first time pregnant going on 30 weeks. The father is my man friend who got carried away one night and pushed himself on me and I got pregnant from my first sexual encounter in 20 years. He is 67 and he is retired, I know him from work.

I figured out I was pregnant and got it confirmed. I sat down and calmly made out a list. 1) get an abortion, 2) get an abortion, 3) get an abortion. The only question was where to go for the procedure. The night before the procedure I had a nightmare, I woke up sick at the stomach and vomited heavily. My head hurt and I felt like I was going to die. I got scared and decided that maybe I should tell him. I called him and went over with all my dispassionate rationalizations and told him I had rescheduled the procedure for the following week.

In thirty minutes I was arguing as to why I should be getting married, arguing as to how crazy he was that he thought I was going to convert to Catholicism (I am Indian American), I was arguing with him about why I had to move into his house, I was arguing with him that why I was the one that had to accept my situation.

Since I have never been married I don't have to go through the annulment process. Since I can read and write and I can control my feelings the process of converting is like taking a college course. I don't feel anything, I am doing it strictly because he demands it to marry me. I grew up here so I pretty much live the Judeo Christian life anyway, but I don't have feelings for Christ or any of the Saints, but I will be a Catholic before my child is born so that I can be married before my child is born so he does not have a bastard son.

I will be moving into his house, the renovations I asked for are pretty much done (updating the place because it is a thirty year old house), I am taking marriage courses at my temple not his church. I need to figure out how to be a good Indian wife. Our life is not vegetarian, but we are not big meat eaters either but now I am taking Italian cooking lessons because he is of Italian descent. I am going to an Indian wife with an Italian last name.

Oh, and he does not know that when I was a freshman in college I had a sexual affair with a college friend. I don't want him to think of me as this mother of his son as being some kind of woman with loose morals. Indian people don't condone sex outside of the home either, I was just stupid in college and I have regretted it.

I am approaching this as an arranged marriage, two people who don't know each other romantically but have an economic and social purpose to marriage. And if I am totally honest I will have a child before my grandmother's time on earth is done, I am the last of her grandchildren to embark on the next generation.