Since I was very little I have always needed a man in my life, of course when I was little it was my Daddy but when I got older I gravitated to man who would protect me from whatever was out there. In return for being protected I have always been very affectionate, I love hugging and the feeling of skin against me, I like being kissed and caressed, or felt up if you like, I like the feeling of a strong hands on my breasts and buttocks and I like the feeling of a nice cock. With all that I have never understood why sometimes I get this unquenching urge to be with another woman. I go down, I want to tear her breasts off, I want to eat her face and I want to fuck her if only I could. It is not normal and it is never personal, it is just some random woman I happen to have met that falls for me and I can tear her up.

So when I was with my extended family over Christmas I met this 33 year old woman who is a nurse for the pediatrician in town and she responded to me holding her hand while we talked, my blood was already up and I could feel myself getting very aroused by her and I said excuse me but I have to kiss you and I put her face in my hand and I kissed her. My kiss was long and she opened her mouth just a little for me to savor her lips and she let me slowly move my hand up over her breast and kiss her. We were on the back porch, the night was clear and the weather was not too cold but I was steaming and I told her gently in her ear that she had given me butterflies when she walked in and kissing her was the best Christmas present I could have asked for.

She is totally given to me now, it has only been a month and already she has flown out to LA to see me and we spent a glorious three day weekend practically in bed making love. Sure I made love to all of her, every little bit of her, but I didn't attack her, or eat her like she was disposable, I didn't just fuck her, I lay on the bed with her and let her touch me and make love back to me. I told her that no one, not ever, had hit me so hard as she did and I didn't want to jump the gun but I was in love with her.

I have the man in my life. He is a building contractor with a large business here in LA, he is 52 and he is quite a man, divorced with three kids and an ex-wife that feels like even not being married to him she deserves to be kept in the same lifestyle. She really isn't a bitch, but she can be sometimes and she tends to get very sensitive when I am around. She knows that I am the woman that is sleeping with him. They divorced for other reasons, I think mainly because she got so needy and he just needed air to breathe and I don't put those kind of demands on him. And now I have this woman who just popped out of nowhere and I can't get her out of my mind.

Giving up my man is not something I want to do, when he wants to have sex I get emotional and want to have sex, I like him wanting to have sex with me and like I said he is quite the man and he knows how to play with my buttons. He knows because I have told him that from time to time I go off and have sex with some girl, but I have not told him about Elise partly because I know Elise is the real thing. I just don't want to choose. I don't know if I tell him that Elise is real and that I have feelings for her, first time ever that I have feelings like this, and I want to make it work with her that he won't say well bye bye and go back to his wife. That would devastate me.

What am I? For the first time in my life I am asking that question. I know that I have always been able to have men like me, I know that I can get men to want to be with me. I know that a man gives me something that I need, I just don't want to be a wife and have all that baggage. I am a good girlfriend. But right now I want to have Elise come out and live with me. She can get a job pretty easily out here and I own my townhouse, thanks to a man I dated ten years ago, and we can make a go of it, at least that is how I am thinking right now. But it has only been a month and that scares me. I am confused. For the first time ever when I was being held by him that I felt trapped and I had to get away to breathe.

So that is about it. I hurt his feelings, I can't get Elise out of my mind, I sit at home instead of going out and I type on a computer to get my feelings out, trying to rationalize what is happening to me.