I was a senior in college. I met a freshman in her first week, actually week 0 at a mixer put on by the university.

We danced and she asked for my number. I texted her a day later and we set up lunch, and then ice cream. Parted ways, and then I setup a pool date with swimming.

She came in only a bra and underwear because she didn't pack a swimsuit.

We dry humped in the hot tub and I kissed her neck and then her lips for the first time, and grabbed her breast.

We went up to my apartment and she stripped in the elevator. It was my first time.

She gave oral and then did cowgirl. I couldn't orgasm because I watched too much porn and masturbated too often.

I could barely feel anything.

She got her feelings hurt.

She didn't orgasm either.

We meet again the next week and I finally was able to orgasm. She still did not.

I ghosted her after that.

The last thing she said to me was "how often are we going to see each other? And what color do you think I should dye my hair (shoes two photos)."

I picked one as I drove her back to her dorm.

I ghosted her because I thought maybe she wasn't hot enough. And I was wry busy with a difficult course load including graduate courses.

She became depressed. That was her first week of college, ever.

I feel like an asshole even though it's clear what she wanted. The way I handles it, and me using her to lose my virginity just seemed fucked up.

I feel less bad about it now after writing this confessional; but I still think of her now and then and wonder what she is up to. I am nervous about pursuing more women for fear that things will also not go well.