During my highschool years, I was one who didn't date. Instead I sat around in the backround and observed everyone else and their relations. Although it was lonely, I was able to gather so usefull information on people and their problems. Senior year I was very lonely, because I felt there was no one in the wretched school who could understand my thinking. Which is why when I got my first girlfriend a few months afterwards (which was this year) I was so happy to have finally found that person who I could consider special. Someone who could understand my ideas and thoughts and respect me for them. For awhile things were good, I was happy and in love, but as time progressed, problems started to arise. At first they were nothing and I would humbly place the blame on myself and move on. But then came a faithful night where I would dare raise my hand and say,"enough." It came down one night to where we were having a pretty good time at my house, and were essentially in the mood. We were watching a movie and throughout a the entire movie, we were cuddling and fondling each other. When the movie was over, I had to take her back home, but she originally had something else in mind before we would make back to her house. On the way up there, she started to give me a handjob, and it felt great. It was the first time someone had ever touched me like that. ABout a few minuites into it, I comment to her on how good she was at it. Instead of the reaction I was hoping for, she became very Offended. Lets put an example on this to show you guys how my mood changed. Imagine a balloon, floating higher and higher into the sky. Thats how I felt a few moments before. Now lets take that ballon from that height and instantly fill it with sand and watch it fall. Thats what proceded to happen. Not only did she break off from the afore mententioned service but she then proceeded to argue with me about calling her to what she thought was a whore.

Now ladies, I guarentee your fine pink panties that the fastest way to really piss of a guy is to break away from a handjob. Its like if he was fingering you guys and decided to stop 3/4 of the way because he got bored from it.

Never in my life had I eveer gone from extreme pleasure to intolerable rage. It was then that I knew this girl was not for me. How could I love her? How can you love a woman how can make you so angry in less than 3 minuites? I couldn't, but the fool that I am and was didn't completly realise it then. A few days later, I was severly depressed because after striving for so long for the one thing I truly wanted, it had slipped away from my hands so quickly and easily. So I tried to make ammends the only way I could. A week before the inncident, I had sketched a picture us together, which she really liked and wanted me to finished. I delivered the final product to her, but her mom said she was not in a mood to see anyone. Before I left however, I convinced her to atleast show her the drawing when her mood had improved. A few days later she finally wanted to see me. I had spoken alittle to her before but this was the first time since the incident that she actually requested my prescence. I was excited to say the least, because I thought this would mean everything would go back to normal, but in the back of my mind, there was a feeling about seeing her again. It was an indifference, like the magic that had made me loved her was gone, and only now was I coasting on the fumes. When I got to her house, not much had changed, and we hung out like nothing had ever happened. But again, that feeling of indifference tugged for my attention, and it made the situation seem weird for me. However this feeling would be short lived, as when I was there for no longer than five minuites, she pushed me out the door, saying it wass late, and I needed to head home. I was alittle peeved about this as I had made the trip all the way out there for her, but I left anyways. When I got home, I surfed the web for alittle while before arriving my myyspace page. There was notification that she had recently posted a blog and so I read on. The blog went on to say how she had made two mistakes this year by dating two guys, to which she did not name. I was alittle peeved about this, mainly because I didn't know if she was talking about me or somebody else. SO I asked her, "Am I a mistake?" She was confused at first, but after directing her to her myspace page she said, "no." But my curiosity had not been sated and I had to know, "then what does that make me?"

She answered my question, with another question. "Do you think we belong to each other?" That was question that I did not need to answer, because, weither she did it unintentinally or on purpose, she provide me with everything I needed to confirm my supicion. Ha, of course it didn't go as smoothly as that, I was very pissed with her response. And yet she could not see the error in her mistake. Out of all the times that I took the blame, out of all the times, that she got angry at me, the one time I raise my voice she labeled me as a villian. After very short argument and a few angry text from her days later, I can say we were through.

But what reason do I have for posting this here? Why bother, because I am a Hypocrite. A Heirotic to my own ideas. Even though I swore to myself to never love this girl again. Even though I set the evidence right infront of my face and name every reason as to why I should hate this person, I often dream of that night where we were so close to each. To me it represented a beautiful cumination of our love for each other. Although truth be told, she would always shudder when I poke the word. Strange how someone can react so negativly to such a positive emotion.

Was I wrong? Was I wrong to be upset? Am I wrong now to mourn over my desires? That is a question I cannot answer, so instead, I must ask another.