Trying To Get In Touch With My Sexual Parts

I have never been good at attracting friends or the opposite sex or even the same sex. But I am not really gay or bi thinking. My therapist told me ages ago to try to enjoy tit play and I couldn't back 10 years ago when she suggested it. I was into other sexual idealizations. I have no confidence about sex and flirting and reasons are I was tortured by a p**o for years and also due to my parents and also my lack of self worth and always seeing myself as ugly. The other thing is I seem to be constantly out of sync with my age and life events. I am often afraid to initiate anything because most people reject me at a level of friendship or being part of a group or sexually and romantically. So I can believe I am ugly. I think if I was not ugly or if I was sexually my age and in sync with society it would have worked out at some point. I feel so ashamed that I am in my mid 40s and just learning to appreciate the erotic pleasures of my nipples and breasts and peeing and feeling horny. I have only had sex a few times with 1 man and it was not great sex, not great loving either. No courtship at all. It was great to be free of him to be honest. The time we were together was stressful and unpleasant. Nothing I expected it to be. My first time sex was awful. My first time kiss was awful. My first time most things were just rotten. I am just not a flirt. I don't feel comfortable doing that because most men I like don't like me in that way and none of them have ever showed me that they would like me that way. Most times it is either much much older men or too young and useless boys.

I am just learning to appreciate breast play and I can't get into ass play at all.

I wonder what men would think of my body and breasts. I love nice tits. I am a size 22DD boobs and I don't really like being that big on top. I just really don't know how to use them. I know what I like to do with them.

I would love a man younger then me who likes tits in their face during sex. I would love a man who would love a boob job because I would love to know how it feels to sexually turn on a man on a date who doesn't need to go the full way right away with hot petting and some stocking fetish and I seen some porn and I think some porn is good for young adults to help them realise that sex can be fun starting out and it doesn't have to be genital to genital plug ins right away. The wham bam concept is really poor sex and I need a man who knows how to please and looks the part I have in my head and who will like a mature woman. I am really sick of shitty sexual experiences and no dates. Like dry humping, crease rubbing penis is a great thing. etc. I want to feel the sexual heat inside and the warmth of safe love and having great sex and great romance rather then just a bang up.

I am a woman who loves clit and pussy play sex and I am not into threesomes and weird violent sex. I don't like slapping and hair pulling.

I do love myself as I am and I have all along even with typical reasonable insecurities that most women do have. Its normal.

I got to get in sync with life or my own pace to achieve my own milestones. People who have been through painful events can be not really on base with their age time line with others and its ok, but I need to find a sync balance or I will miss out completely.