Feeling Guilty

In high school I had this friend, Robbie.
He was a burly football player from a really conservative Christian family.
He had a girlfriend from his church but they were both in a purity group.

I wasn't open about being not straight but kids can kind of smell it on you and I got bullied for it.
Until he decided one day he was my friend and started sticking up for me and then people left me alone.

But right away in our friendship it became clear that he wanted to do sexual things with me.
He'd give me rides home or have me stay over at his house and he'd always be the one initiating it.
The first thing he would do would be to set up some situation so that he could hump against me.
We played video games in his room and he would have us both lay on our stomachs on his bed. Eventually his hips would be over mine and he would be grinding his crotch into my ass. He loved that. Would do it a lot.

Or he would just kind of come up behind me in his room and hump against my ass.
Or at night when I would sleep over he would come down on the floor with me and hump my ass in only our underwear.

That's all he seemed to want to do for a while until one day I offered to suck him in his car. He loved that and I finally got a good look at his thick cock.

He had told his parents that I wanted to go to church with them so he would have me stay over on a saturday night so I would go to church with them on a Sunday. But meanwhile all Saturday night I had his cock buried down my throat.

He had told me he didn't want to fuck me. That he didn't like anal sex. I was like whatever that's fine.
But then one night, we're naked on his floor. He's on top of me humping against me, our cocks rubbing together. And he slides lower and starts humping my ass.
Then he's pushing against my hole, Then the tip is inside and he's cumming in me.

He asked me later if I thought that counted as sex. I told him sex is whatever you want it to count as.
He said he didn't count that.
Okay.

Except a few days later he asks if I could get condoms and lube. I tell him yeah and bring some to his house.
Then the next saturday night we're doing the same thing and he asks to fuck me.
Of course.

I tell him to go slow. And soon enough his thick cock is buried in my ass. We fuck for a bit like that then he asks to take the condom off because he wants to cum inside me. Absolutely.

After that we talk about it and he tells me that he counts it as sex and that I was his first. He wasn't my first but he was the first i really actually wanted to fuck me.

We continue to fuck like bunnies until he gets a football scholarship and tells me he's moving away. After graduation I never hear from him again. It honestly hurt like hell and I was hung up on him for years.

Until recently...

He hits me up in FB asking for my help with something that I would know about because of my job. It felt totally fake and I could FEEL his real meaning behind reaching out. Part of me knew this was going to be messy but part of me really wanted this too after this year of the pandemic.

Well we meet up.
He's married and has 2 kids.
But sure enough we end up back at my place naked and I'm bent over the edge of my bed.

We've kept hooking up.

Ugh.
He's gotten so much hotter. Tattoos and a beard.
He's gotten better in bed.
He had me howling.
He tells me he's missed me....

But I feel like shit.
He's married. He just cheated on her with me.
He tells me he wants to make this a regular thing.
He tells me he also has a thing where he wants us to be risky about it. How he wants to fuck me at his house. How he wants his wife to meet me.

I have this gut feeling like he wants to get caught. Like that's the whole point of this. Like maybe he is using me to get out of his marriage. Like I'm being set up to be a home wrecker.

I don't like it, I have a bad feeling about this, but FUCK am I don't feel like I have any will to stop this.

Thanks for reading my rant....