A Drunken Haze

So when people normally ask be about my past, especially things like who was my first or whatever, I normally just skip over this one. I wouldn't say it was the worst... But it just has a big notion to it that I don't wanna deal with from others.

So pretty much, when I was say... i was about nine I got into my grandpa's liquor cupboard and ended up drinking quarter of a bottle that was strawberry flavored. Obviously I got caught, and my grandpa was one of those no nonsense rough and tough australian types that lived alone. He made me drink more, something fowl trying to teach me this lesson.

I don't know how things went off track, I was in a haze over all this, but he started feeling up on me and I just thought it was some game because it was better than being yelled at or spanked.

Obviously things went waaaaaaay off track... And I just let it happen. Not that I wanted it, like how could I? I think? Clothes off, felt up, everything just being a blur with these moments of feeling good but strange. His hands on me, him guiding mine. Hell, I don't know how long it lasted but I remember him trying to get me to blow him but I really wasn't able to, I just know it was in my mouth and then wasn't.

What I do know for certain was this, and pardon because it's not something to be proud of, we had sex.

It's really hard to tell what's rubbing you down there when you barely even know whats going on. But I felt pushing a few times, not like before, and something being rubbed around me wet. Then just, for some moments again and like a shock as it felt like a big plop, what felt like really strange and awkward thrusts, then just pulling out and this shiver of a feel washing over me when it did while he was still overtop of me.

I know for a fact I lost my cherry, thanks to a future bf for pointing that out, but from my own current experiences now and what else happened, I don't think he tried to go further, my guess being he couldn't?

Sadly though, as stated, that wasn't all. He also took me from down below, and this one I know without a doubt was the real deal. Same manner as before, except I could feel him all in and this uncomfortable burning sensation. I didn't like it obviously, but I couldn't stop him either. He just kept going for what felt like an eternity, and when he was done it was all over.

He died a few years ago from a stroke, but in all that time we never talked about what happened and nobody else knows about it. Not exactly the best closure, but I'm fine with that. He never once tried to put another hand on me, and as far as I can recall I wasn't afraid of him either.

One thing though that it did change for me though is into high school I was alot less reserved in dating when I started, but that balanced out as friends matured and caught up with me, so far from the slutty type. Also on that, since that day, I've always had a strict no butt stuff rule, didn't matter who, because I don't like it nor do I want to, it's gross and wierd.

Reading abuse and regret stories here is kind of, how do I say, like someone has a missing piece I can relate with. Alot more than well... Some of the other shady stuff here. Seriously, don't creep this. I just needed a way to process my experience.