This Pain Has To Stop - Looking For A New Bright Path

I am a shy single woman and I am not working at all and I just have not been able to find a man ever. I crave sexual pleasure and watch a lot of porn and I enjoy it but it is hard to say how different real good sex is compared to porn or what I have experienced in real life like assault that was not pleasurable or fulfilling and not a beautiful thing. I like to appreciate the body and its a beautiful thing like sex is. Why feel shame for wanting to have sex expression because were I live its literally like sex is only for the pushy nasty people and not for the nice good people. Like I am so fed up with it. I used to be beautiful and I never got sex then anyway. I had literally 3 nights of cruel gross as shit sex by a scanky dirty old big violent man when I was a virgin and I wanted a young single man with ties to wife or kids and man who looked better then him and acted better then him. I wanted someone who would treat me better as well. I just nothing to compare it to and I would love to have a great genuine romantic sexual experience rather then the bullshit sex and violence. That is too hurtful and not somewhere I ever wanted to go.

My old neighbor wanted to marry me and r**e me and that was shocking to me to think what dumb people are thinking. Nothing stops the hurt of young men my own age shutting me out and wondering why I was not good enough. Then you see so many ugly awful bad people getting all the sex and money and it makes you sick to see it and for once I want the good stuff to happen to me. I just wanted a sweet normal natural romance and wedding. What the cops is wrong with that?