I've Been Having An Affair

Over the past number of months I've somehow convinced myself that it's not a major discretion, something I could somehow control and normalize. I'm married and we have two children, I shouldn't be at want for anything. It started just as some flirtation, it made me feel good about myself and I thought I was stringing him along. In my mind he wasn't a victim, he knew I was married and he continued to flatter me anyways. I should have stopped it, told him it was inappropriate even if he wasn't serious. It turns out that he was serious and we started texting too. I just kept forgiving myself for allowing the intrusion of my boundaries. I would say to myself that my husband knew I was friends with this guy, what did it matter if he didn't know how often we were talking or how involved the conversations had become. They weren't sexual, but they were more and more personal the more we talked, or texted or met for coffee or drinks. I got nervous when we planned to meet, I tried to make sure I looked my best and felt bad if he didn't compliment me. Eventually he asked me out on a date, I said no, but I didn't cut him off, we kept texting. With that door still open I told him it would be fun to go out sometime but it wasn't a date even though I knew that it was. I planned my alibi and executed it without a hint of suspicion. I felt a nasty bit of excitement for telling such a lie. All the while I laughed to myself and the absurdity of it going past a night out. I am completely responsible for what happened, and telling myself that I didn't mean for it to happen isn't true. I went out to get screwed by him and that's what we did before I went home. We went to a hotel downtown and he got a room. I felt like everyone was looking at me checking in late with no luggage with a man. We got to the room and I went through with it, in a strange way I was almost proud of myself. Almost as if I proved to myself that I could be exciting again.

For this entire affair I've been trying to normalize it somehow. I did fall for his guy and I care about him, but I also love my husband and my family. I wanted to think that I could just meet with him sometimes, like it didn't matter and nobody would ever know. But that is part of the problem, nobody ever did find out and now I feel like I don't deserve my life. I shouldn't get away with this and the guilt at times just feels overwhelming. At other times when I'm with my family it's like the other me I've let loose doesn't even exist and that I can just forget about her as if he never happened. I've told him that it's over and I want to believe that it is this time. When I don't see him the guilt just intensifies, I take it out on my family by becoming distant and unresponsive. I thought I could handle the affair, but I just can't. I am just writing this to confess to anyone because I don't have the courage to confess to the only person in this who still matters. I know I'm an awful person and I don't deserve his forgiveness.