Out Of The Darkness Into The Light

I speak from another truth. The truth about mental health in the lesbian community. Particularly depression. I'm was on medication, and so many of my community are too. I functioned, but without medication I didn't. I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was born this way, as a lesbian and with depression.

My relationships had all been disasters, incredible highs for a while, then destructive lows. I am attracted to over dominant lesbians. Talk about toxic. I have also engaged in many one night or weekend affairs, again with over dominant women. Why? Am I preconditioned for this?

Three years ago my mother's friend, a retired man, took me into the mountains of New Mexico. He took away all my medications, including birth control which I used to regulate my cycle. No alcohol, no smoking, a controlled diet under which I gained 25 pounds, and outdoor activities. I went through terrible withdrawal. But after six months I got better. I am painting, walking, seeing friends and family, but not lesbians. Not on purpose that community just doesn't live in the mountains.

What changed, no birth control. I feel so much better despite my irregularity. No smoking. I haven't had a beer or a drink in three years. But most importantly I'm not around the oppressive negative culture I was part of in Seattle. I'm ready to meet that lady, the real one. I'm sure she never lived in a toxic community. Maybe she's from Amarillo, or Tuscaloosa. But not from Seattle or San Francisco. Oh, and my depression? That's what my painting is for, to go off into my world and obsess about color.

To quote my guru, don't associate with negative people. I don't, not any more. The sun is on my face, I like it.