I Can't Be A Lesbian, I Just Can't. But I Know I Am.

I'm a 29 year old woman, middle class, working parents. I worked from the time I started babysitting at 14. I saved the money to buy my car, a piece of shit eight year old car. I went to college in town on student loans and I have a degree in Communications, making 54 thousand a year as an HR Generalist.

At my work is a girl, same age. Went to a top ten university. She has a masters degree, zero student debt. She drives a one year old BMW, lives in a high rise apartment. She works in HR with me, she is also a Generalist. She is a Trust Fund baby.

I can't help my jealousy. She buys me clothes. She buys me intimate clothes. She pays when we go out, she paid for my vacation with her to Mikonos in Greece. She likes to make me up, she likes to help me get dressed. She likes me to sleep with her. She likes me as a lesbian likes another girl. She wants me to move in with her and be a couple.

I am not a lesbian, I know that. I can't help myself, when we were in Greece I told her I loved her, it came out but it was not the truth. I don't know who makes love to who, but it involves intimate oral sex and she likes laying on top of me and rubbing against me. It's not easy to do but we do it, it usually causes us both to climax.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, she is obviously deeply in love. I haven't move in because of that, she is beyond hope in love and I don't love her like that. I love her, but not like she loves me. If I agreed to get married to her she would have the biggest wedding party you can think of. I agreed and we have matching tattoos on the inside of our wrist. Three little hearts.

I don't want to be a fraud, her money scares me, I haven't been with a guy in over four years, since I started going out with her. I know that the moment I move in, I will never move out and I will end up getting married to her. I wake up and I watch her sleep before going back to bed and spooning with her.

Not seeing her is not an answer, getting married is not an answer, being lesbians is not an answer. Being in love with her is not an answer. I don't know what to do anymore. Do I just give up? Surrender? Get married to her? Become one more lesbian couple pretending to be normal. That's what scares me the most. I don't think that we could ever be normal. And we have the whole question of having kids. Not having kids is not the answer.