I Haven't Been Able To Paint In Over Six Months

I am just venting. I am an artist, an abstract painter. My work has been exhibited in Paris, New York, London. I sell. But not enough. My annual income, after expenses are under $60K a year. Barely middle average income. I am self employed so I have to buy my own insurance or do with out, I pay double SS. Bottom line I'm poor.

I am also a lesbian, not by choice, by the misfortune of nature. I have been attracted to dominant women, who have made my life hell on earth. As much as I am attracted, I am disgusted by it. Eating a woman turns my stomach, being eaten by a woman is a power thing, equivalent to getting fucked by a man.

The pandemic killed me financially. I had to accept charity, eventually moving in with a man who likes me to take care of me. Money, clothes, insurance, house, car, a studio for my work. In return he wants me in his bed. Which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I am now a mother, a dependent, a younger woman in a man's house. And he has sex with me. I don't know if it is his dominance or what but I never say no.

I can't leave, even if I could regain my momentum financially with a baby I can't leave. For the last six months I haven't produced anything, my baby coming, and now that she's here is all I focus on. I'm a housewife. I have talked to my last lesbian lover and the whole thing was flat, uncomfortable. Her touching me sent rejection through me. I pulled back not even thinking. That night I insisted on being made love to, not my usual pattern.

Poverty, my baby, my baby's father have all conspired to against me. A brush in my hand frustrates me. I'd rather be fixing lunch or playing with my baby. Literally. I want to paint, but my baby needs me, she's taking her nap right now. And I have to start dinner in an hour. I don't have time to paint anymore.