Gay Male / 33
My Guilt Is That I'm Gay And Engage In Sex For Money
Growing up I struggled with being called by God to be a Minister. I went to Seminary in Arkansas and part of my experience was a prison Ministry. The prison I went to was white collar crime, money crimes not violent crimes. One embezzler came out to me during a one on one. My heart skipped many beats, I didn't know what to do. I listened, he was matter of fact, he was gay. He had reached his conclusion right there in prison.
I struggled with his confession, his admittance, I could not set it aside. It would take me another ten years to admit the same to myself. By then I was a youth minister at a small church, fighting off being set up with all the nice girls. I had other feelings, urges, I went through periods of masturbation, always the same thing. My focus was that man in prison. I knew for a fact certain he was gay.
I reached out to him in a letter, it came back unanswered. I went on a retreat, I came back unanswered. I went to spend a week in the Metroplex with a friend from Seminary, he was married with a gentle wife and three kids. But I was obsessed with something else. After
I returned to my town and my job and a man in the street offered to perform oral sex for twenty dollars. I gave him forty, my guilt of having a sexual experience with a man, a street bum, homeless man was overpowering. But I had experienced it and I found more and more sex with the homeless community.
I spent too much money, I stole from the church to pay for my habit, by then I was engaging in sex actively, a thirst I could not quench. I was discovered and fired for embezzling, I went into a spiral, I offered myself to men for sex if they paid me. I reached rock bottom.
I am not ok with being gay, with stealing, with selling myself for money. I regret it. I am currently in a street Ministry for the homeless. And guilt ridden I engage actively in sex with men who are strangers and use the money for my Ministry,
I struggled with his confession, his admittance, I could not set it aside. It would take me another ten years to admit the same to myself. By then I was a youth minister at a small church, fighting off being set up with all the nice girls. I had other feelings, urges, I went through periods of masturbation, always the same thing. My focus was that man in prison. I knew for a fact certain he was gay.
I reached out to him in a letter, it came back unanswered. I went on a retreat, I came back unanswered. I went to spend a week in the Metroplex with a friend from Seminary, he was married with a gentle wife and three kids. But I was obsessed with something else. After
I returned to my town and my job and a man in the street offered to perform oral sex for twenty dollars. I gave him forty, my guilt of having a sexual experience with a man, a street bum, homeless man was overpowering. But I had experienced it and I found more and more sex with the homeless community.
I spent too much money, I stole from the church to pay for my habit, by then I was engaging in sex actively, a thirst I could not quench. I was discovered and fired for embezzling, I went into a spiral, I offered myself to men for sex if they paid me. I reached rock bottom.
I am not ok with being gay, with stealing, with selling myself for money. I regret it. I am currently in a street Ministry for the homeless. And guilt ridden I engage actively in sex with men who are strangers and use the money for my Ministry,
