Love Him? Love Her? His Wife? Or His Live In? What Am I? Who Am I?

My situation is economic instability. I am an artist, I paint. Over time I've managed to sell, and I'm grateful for that. However it is not enough and never at the right time. I can't plan, make rent, buy a car, clothes, the things that one needs to live. I've worked jobs, but then I don't paint. I am saying all this because it is the reason why I live with a man and I sleep with him. For the bills.

It's bad enough that I'm the company of a man. I'm 31, he is 56. And my love life has always revolved around other women. I'm a so called lesbian, or something like that. I fall in love with women, not men. My current love interest was a clerk at a teacher's supply store, the store is closed now. She lives with her parents. She is 27. I have 'permission' but not for a public relationship. In his words, 'do not embarrass me'.

I live with him, by that I mean I have a joint checking account, I'm a signatory on his other accounts, I look after his health, his sex life, his meals, his emotional health. I am 'the wife' in the relationship. I've lived with him since I was 25. He sees me as his wife, treats me as his wife, my parents see me as his wife, I see myself as his wife, I do. Day in and day out. But I'm not his wife, not married, common law yes, church and bridesmaids no. Because I have a girlfriend, that's why.

So, does love conquer all? Poverty? Is that the price? Or marry him once and for all and go in hook, line and sinker, that means kids too. And stop running over to my friend's house for a quick kiss and a hug, and back home to my 'old man'. Because I run home every time.