I'm Not Sure I Am A Lesbian, But Nonetheless I Will Get Married

I went out with a guy I met through a friend. We went dancing at a club. He got drunk and fresh, putting his hand between my legs. I slapped him and told him to back off. He hit me with his fist, broke my nose, cut open my lip. I fell backwards and broke my wrist. After being helped and my bloody nose had stopped I called my best friend from work. She showed up with her friend, a guy who worked upstairs. He brought a bat.

We went to an ER, I got a splint on my wrist and my nose was straightened and taped and my lip got a stitch. I got pain medications with all the warnings. I went home with her, to her apartment. She loaned me a nightgown, put my clothes in the wash, and she put me in her bed. Her friend said he would take the couch along with his bat, he was going to protect us. After getting ready for bed she got in bed with me. She put her arm around me and I fell asleep.

After that incident she and I got much closer than work friends and we moved in together, a two bedroom apartment. One night after cleaning the kitchen she hugged me and told me she loved me. I said I loved her too. In a friend way. In return I got a kiss on the lips, not a baby kiss, a lover's kiss.

Getting to the point, she wanted a full blown lover relationship. And pushed me into having sex, she had read this article on lesbians making love to her lover, she followed the article right down the line. This was her first ever sexual experience, her first initiative, her first declaration of love. I went along, I did my part except for giving her oral sex. I smiled at her and told her I loved her. A not true statement, not in love with her. She on the other hand was in love with me.

We are now thirtysomethings, we have lived together for eight years, since we moved in together after I got beat up. We moved into the same bedroom, we refer to each other by a pet name. If asked if we are partners we answer that we are. She wants to get married, I'd rather not but I can't hurt her feelings, not about this. She is more in love than ever, I am much more comfortable and totally OK, but honestly I don't have butterflies and more than that I have urges to get together with a man. It has been a very long time, do I miss it? or do I fantasize it? I can't decide.

Either way I will get married, and I will be a good wife. I won't cheat. I just wish this voice on my shoulder would quiet down.