I Dream Of Getting My Ass Fisted

Ok, this is so weird for me to do. But I need to get this off my chest. I literally can't talk about this with anyone I know, so I looked up places online where I could just freely share my thoughts. XD

I'm absolutely addicted to anal and masturbate like this almost daily. Which may not be so much out of the ordinary (although if I try to talk to my best friends about loving anal, most of them are shocked, even if we can talk about anything else openly).

But it gets worse:
I really like to be filled to the max and love to use dildos that barely fit inside of me. When my sphincter muscle feels like it's about to snap is when I feel like I'm in heaven. I love how hard it is to fit something basically too big through my backdoor, the stretching pain, the exhaustion, the thought of being opened so big...

Naturally I can't tell THIS to any of my friends.
But of course it gets even worse.

My biggest fantasy, since I'm also quite into BDSM, getting used etc.
Is to get tied up, my butt out for easy access and to be made to take a hand and subjected to merciless anal fisting until my hole is all loose and wrecked.