Forgiven But Not Forgotten

I can't cum from r my husband anymore. It seems like it's impossible. It has nothing to do with being attracted to him, which I certainly am. Or if he can satisfy me.. Which he has many times before, but something changed drastically.

I'm 6 months pregnant and mostly horny like all the time.. I want to be making love with him more than I can mention to him.. Because he usually says it's all I think about.. Which isnt true at all. In fact I don't know how to tell him what I do think about more often then none. More than I want to. And it's slowly killing me inside. I love started to hide it and lie about my feeling and moods. I act like nothing is wrong all the time and now I can't even cum on him or for him no matter what I do and it's all because I caught him a few times teying to cheat on me.. By talking too other women I wouldn't never think he would bother with. One time I pretty sure he did cheat o. Me when I had to go to jail for the night and he even fought with to go see her again after the fact. Plus he told his ex gf he misses her and hates me and wished he could make love to her for hours all while I was taking care of him after a serious accident. And him knowing I was pregnant. And telling me that he loves me.. That's not love in my eyes. That's straight shady player bullshit. Plus.. He won't wait for me to get in the mood long enough before he's already bust a nut and I'm completely forgotten about and dismissed but that's not the problem..

I can't not think about how he tried to cheat on me more than once. The things he said and might have said and how he easily went off to lie and hide it and still lies.

So I lie to him about what really bothers me most. Sometimes I fake an orgasm just because I know he won't make me cum anymore. And it sucks. I'm low key devastated. And i don't know how to tell him that I haven't gotten over this and I don't know how to believe him or trust him anymore which was very important to me. And it makes me very angry and sad with him but I dont show it because I really do love him and our baby is due in a couple months plus he can't admit to it whatsoever because I truly believe he thinks it will kill him.. All the while he has no idea how much it's killing me and my ability to orgasm and be in tune with our sex life rn. These thoughts literally haunt me and I hate it because most of all I don't want to think about it because it hurts me more than anything.. And I don't think he truly would care about how it affects me.. He'd rather hide it and lie about or fight about it. Making it worse.. Making it my fault.

And I really want to cum on him and for him but I don't feel like I'm what and who he wants or loves anymore. I can't stop thunk about him being with someone else while with me. I can't believe ve a word he says. I can't look at him and feel secure or worth the time.. It's really fuking me up