Was It Really As Bad As Actual Cheating?

My husband and I have been married six years. We love each other, we get along well, and we have good careers. I always felt very lucky and thankful. The only problem was that we'd been trying since we married to have a baby but it just wasn't happening. Menopause comes very early to some women in my family, so I didn't want to wait around.

We both went to doctors for tests, and it turned out that while there was no reason I couldn't get pregnant, my husband's sperm count was so low as to be infertile. We were both crushed by the news. Long story short, we decided on a sperm bank. The sperm bank we chose offered the option of home insemination. They send frozen sperm in a nitrogen tank, along with an injector kit and other accessories.

The sperm bank lets you browse profiles and then you select which donor you want. There are pictures of the donor, including childhood pictures for some of them, and background information without actually identifying the donor. My husband and I browsed together. Our goal was to find one as much like him as possible.

As we were browsing, I saw someone I knew. An ex boyfriend from before I met my husband. I knew it was him from the pictures, and I already knew the background info provided as well. It took all I had not to react in front of my husband. I never said a word.

My ex was younger than I was. In fact, when we were together, he was a college student. I met him when I was working on a political campaign and he was an intern. It was mostly physical, but we liked each other too, and spent a lot of time together. If he'd been more mature, we might have ended up married.

After a lot of browsing and discussing, my husband and I decided on a donor who was a lot like him. Except that donor wasn't the one I chose. Without letting my husband see, I entered the ID number of my ex instead, who looked nothing like my husband. I was shocked at myself for doing it. I guess I felt overwhelmed by the memories of my ex. I never cheated on my husband, and I don't believe he's ever cheated on me.

While the sperm was on order, my husband and I decided we'd inseminate me together during my next ovulation. I'd read that getting aroused might help the sperm reach my egg easier. My husband and I had some foreplay, kissing and caressing, and I could feel myself getting excited. I started rubbing my clit and when I felt myself near the edge, I signaled to my husband. Without suspecting anything, he slowly injected my ex boyfriend's sperm into my desperate-to-get-pregnant body. Although I tried not to, I couldn't help thinking about making love to my ex as I climaxed.

A few days after my due date I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. He's a toddler now, and I can definitely see my ex in him, his looks and little mannerisms, but he also looks like me. I don't think anyone will ever find out. My ex's ID was locked in his profile, meaning it can't be released even if my son requests it someday.

I wish I felt more guilty. I know I should. But it just doesn't feel like I really cheated. We had to have a donor anyway, so how much difference does it make who it was in the end.