If He Finds Out...

My secret is that when I met my now-fiance Matt I was a prostitute - when I met him I stopped doing it completely, got cleaned up, and we moved a couple of towns over (my request) so I was less recognizable. But before him I had somewhere around 40 people I'd been with for money.

I was actually waiting for a guy that wanted to pick me up at a hotel bar when I got to talking to Matt. Surely he knew what I was by the way I was dressed, but we sat there for a solid hour just talking and I loved the way he looked at me and that he did so in my eyes. Of course he snuck a peak at my cleavage but that wasn't the first thing he did. When the guy came I changed tables with him but found myself looking back over to where Matt was, and I heard a voice say "where would you rather be tonight?" It might have been God himself, who knows? So I faked sick, and in the bathroom I texted another girl who was in the area, made my apology and my exit once she arrived. Back to Matt I went, and he only asked if that was my date and who the other girl was. I said she was my roommate, she liked him better than me and that it was a bad fit. And that was it. I honestly never booked another guy again, and it's been almost three full years.

I am terrified that one day he'll find out, or the place I now work as an office assistant for a larger pawn shop in the area. Sometimes it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I do avoid social situations which is hard because of my work and the fact that he's pretty social and has a big family (that all love me). I go to therapy regularly and process both the things that happened to me AND that I'm unable to tell him. My therapist says I probably should before we get married, the idea gives me panic attacks.

I don't miss the sex or the substances I took to stay numb during that time of my life. I was regularly tested (thank God) and didn't have any STDs. Because of him I am working on my GED, and might even take college classes. We're not super rich, but we're comfortable, and I'm happy but as I said scared to death of losing what I have now.