Not My Fault But I Still Feel Guilty

I have this guilt. My college boyfriend wanted me to agree to a swap with his friend. I did not want his friend fucking me and I did not want to watch him fuck his friend's girlfriend. We fought on the backyard patio, he grabbed me, I pushed him, he lost his balance and slipped hitting his head on the wooden bench breaking his brain stem. He hit in just the wrong way and he is paralyzed. Maybe if he had better medical help, but our college town didn't have the doctors that could have made a difference. Since he was paralyzed he has never had a erection, an orgasm, walked, held anyone, he can't feel caresses, he is fucked up.

I know it's not my fault, but if I had agreed to let his friend fuck me he would be alright.

I can't deal with it, I can't be his lifelong caregiver. I don't love him, there was never a for better or for worse. A guy fucks me, he eats me, and he wants me knocked up. I've quit any form of BC, I'm ready to get fucked pregnant. But I can't stop thinking of my college bf, he's really fucked up.