Can't Forgive Myself

My husband was killed in a work accident three years ago. The police told me around 8 in the morning. His supervisor and boss came to the house to help. I was all alone. My family lives out of state. His boss left the house around 3. There was nothing for me to do but cry. I spoke to the funeral home and had an appointment the next day. His boss brought food around 6. The two of them left after we ate. I went to bed, was just dead inside. His supervisor contacted me around 10 to check on me. I wasn't doing good. He came by. We hugged, he consoled me, I brought him into my bed, the one I shared with my husband, and I had sex with him. I initiated it, I was the aggressor and it was the most energetic, desperate performance of my life. I just lost it and sucked and fucked this guy for about two hours.

I've felt so guilty about it ever since. After we were done, he left and I haven't spoken to him since I apologized by text the next day and begged him not to ever tell anyone and when he gave me hug in the receiving line which may have been the lowest moment of my life. He tried to tell me it was just a natural reaction to grief, a release of pent up emotions, that I just needed intimacy, it didn't mean anything more. These are all rational arguments but I can't accept them to forgive myself.

There was a movie I saw not long before my husband's death where a guy died in a car crash and came home to his wife in a sheet like a traditional ghost. All he could do was watch her until years later she moved away and he was stuck in the house and never saw her again. All I could think of was that my husband had come home and watched me with his supervisor. Watched the things I did with a guy I barely knew on the same day of his death. I've asked my husband for forgiveness many times, aloud in our house, at the wake, the funeral and his gravesite. I light a candle for him frequently and ask for forgiveness.

I want to move on. Several men, good men, have indicated interest in me and I just can't accept their invitations. My friends want me to seek grief counseling, my mom wants me to grow up and move on. None of them know about my betrayal, they just think I can't let go of my husband. I don't even want to move back home to start over because I have an irrational belief that my husband's spirt is attached to the house and I would be abandoning him.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up other than to say I don't think I'm crazy, I think my guilt is affecting my well being.

That's Juicy! 7
Remove It! 2

# 54868 - by Ashamed / November 14, 2021

by Anonymous on Nov 14, 2021 at 12:20 PM

As a husband to a good woman I know if I had been yours I would have wanted you to be ok, be happy, and move on with your life. You obviously cared about your husband and as his boss said, it was just a reaction to the circumstances and you needed someone to hold on to that day. Don't beat yourself up over a one time thing that happened in a dark time. I would want my wife to find someone else that would treat her good and make the rest of her life happy, not be alone and keep grieving me. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting how much your husband meant to you. A new man in your life will understand and respect that. Good luck.

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by Picofrico on Nov 14, 2021 at 1:03 PM

Like the post above, there was a kind of surviving in you that kicked in, dont blame yourself and put you in dark clouds, a movie of a gost hunting making it not better, your late husband definatly wouldnt want you to loose your life, try to see a sparkle one day, and the next day see two sparkels, build positive things en leave the negative behind, you are needed by loved ones. Have a good life.

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by Anonymous on Nov 14, 2021 at 2:18 PM

You NEED to seek professional help!! God is the forgives of ALL & Already has forgiven you. That's why he died in the Cross!!
Move on with your life. Seriously get some Mental, & Spiritual HELP!!

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by Anonymous on Nov 14, 2021 at 5:41 PM

Having sex with the Supervisor was your way of connecting to a man, connecting to your husband. Please don't beat yourself up. Even if your husband's ghost saw you, he knows it was your way to reach out to him.

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by Anonymous on Dec 8, 2021 at 7:16 PM

When a good friend of mine passed, I heard about it that night on a radio broadcast (he was a highly-regarded person at that radio station). I was shocked. I had known him and his wife for many years. Though it was after 1:00am, I called her. She asked me to come over to their apartment. I did.

She was really upset, crying in intervals. We comforted each other with hugs. As we held each other, something began to happen between us. With our bodies pressed together, my nose and mouth was on her neck, where I instinctively planted gentle kisses. Her scent was inviting. We were getting turned on. We started tongue kissing tenderly. I was rock hard. She said "I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to make love with you." I told her I was feeling the same way. We ended up in the bed my friend and his wife had slept in. We made love all night long, over and over.

We never intended for anything to happen physically between us. She just needed me that night and I acted accordingly. There had been no cheating or betrayal of my dead friend. If my buddy's spirit was present observing us, I felt that he would have approved .

-- Free lover 2021 at aol

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Comments

by BB101 on Nov 14, 2021 at 12:15 PM

You were in shock when you did what you did. Do not beat yourself up. You should see a grief counsellor. You are still grieving, give yourself time. You will know when you are ready.

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by Crimso on Nov 14, 2021 at 2:19 PM

I think you'd benefit from therapy of the talking kind. You're being much too hard on yourself

by Anonymous on Nov 15, 2021 at 1:28 PM

You really are being hard on yourself. It is a natural reaction to grief.

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