Inlove With The Idea Of Being Raped

I was m****ted growing up by my half brother and I told my parents and nothing was done about it. As I got older in my early teens I would always find myself hanging around boys and one time I went to a party with my best friend. We drunk a lot of alcohol and there were a few older guys. There was one guy Owen who I think liked me then because he spent the whole night with me and talking to me. He had a friend Josh, who kept calling j to join them and that he should leave me. Owen ended up going home early but a few of us stayed including Josh. I had to wait because my friend was my life home. I remember going to lie down because I had a headache in the hosters bed, and while I was sleeping I heard the door open and close and Josh was on the room. He told me not to make a sound and that I was attention seeking. He pinned my hands down with his, and freed one jand to unzip his pants. He told me no one would belive me if I mentioned anything he had done to me, he then forced himself into me and it was really painful, I remember I started crying and clenching to try make the hole even smaller for him go in but that didn't help, it ended up making him go faster. He didn't finish in me, he finished on the bed, zipped his pants up and left. I neve told anyone, not even my best friend. But I'm 18 now and I think about it a lot and I think about being r**ed all the time. I want to get r**ed again. I can only watch cnc porn. It makes me wet and I go to parties so men can grope me and sometimes I let them fuck me hard. I just crave being r**ed all the time.