Was I Raped Or Did I Deserve This?

Several years back I got a new job and met one of the first gay guys I would consider a friend. He was about 45 or 46 and I was 21, he has never been with any females in his life and has primary been in very long Term relationships. I being young and straight was still a little homophobic but had some minor curiosity’s like most average straight boys have in there life. Every now and then my gay friend would say or ask things that me being young and dumb did not think much of them for example he would ask me “if I’ve only been with girls my hole life”, or if I made a comment that could be perceived as something different he would say “I’ll show you what’s up or what it’s like” . Just figuring when your gay that’s how they joke around, one day the girl we worked made a comment about how he liked me and I’ll be honest I was a little upset for some reason. He gave me rides home on a regular basis, we were starting to do some minor partying here and there. One night we were drinking, he took me to the gay bar and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I was like a model in a truck stop I had dudes trying to talk to me, accidentally grabbing my ass, talking dirty to me and because of the alcohol it made me feel sexy and it was flattering to be wanted so much. We then left the bar and ended up at his friends house which were two older gay guys who had been in a relationship for years. Well I was very drunk and I would do things like show my boxer tops and pull my pants halfway down my ass all the while reminding all of them I was a virgin. The other guys would tell me I better be careful or else they would show me why I should be or how they we’re gonna put it in my ass. My friend actually got a bit jealous and I was to fucked up to notice but my friend then said it was getting late and we had to get home and drove me to my house. Once there he asked if he could just help me in and I said yes as I still lived at home and could barely walk. Once in the front door there was a long staircase to the left into the basement were my room is downstairs and he was just acting like a great friend trying to make sure I get in ok and I was a mess. Once in my bedroom I stumbled towards my bed which was very tall at about waist height. I kicked my shoes off and it felt like I could not get in bed without help so I just laid over my bed on my stomach which once again is at waist height and my friend is near me assisting. He said you can’t go to bed like that and unbuttoned my pants and pulled them down he also removed my shirt and said you need to be in your pajamas and after that he removed my socks making me think nothing of it so I was not nervous YET. I was so fucked up I was not feeling well so he was rubbing my back as I was leaned over the bed and he started to whisper things like “you know just because some one has an experience doesn’t mean they are gay”, or “have u ever cummed from a blow job which I said no and he said can I show you” I said no I’m not gay while slightly in and out of consciousness. He kept saying things like “I could trust him” and “he would never hurt me” I was getting nervous because I did not know what he meant and I couldn’t hardly move. As he rubbed my back he kept getting lower and lower closer to my hips and then even lower brushing over my ass almost accidentally at first. When I couldn’t move he continued but specifically focused on being slow and keeping me focused on the feeling not the comfort level. He started brushing his dick along my boxers and he was rock hard, while one of his hands was rubbing my back keeping me occupied the other went around my hips and started touching my dick while his dick nudged against my ass. I thought I was being touched by a female at first and he started to pull my boxers down, I came to slightly, held my boxers with one hand and said “wait no, what are you doing” he grabbed my hand and whispered again “shhhhh it’s ok, just relax” I said no I was getting very nervous and he promised me he cares about me and won’t hurt me. I then started to lose strength again feeling like I was going to pass out and he grabbed my boxers and pulled them off, along with his underwear. He took some lube I had on my desk next to my bed and dripped it down my ass and started to touch my ass slowly and he would say “you know what really turns me on? When I get to feel you cumming when your trying not to or when someone cums in my mouth” he kept his hands on my dick the entire time. He started putting his finger in and out and it hurt because I was so tight. He would continue to add lube and slow down when he sensed hurt, uncomfort or anything from me. And when I drunkenly told him no or to stop he would slow down or do something that felt good and whisper to me again until I calmed down or spaced what was happening, he then started to put lube on his dick and I could feel him rubbing up and down on my ass which was already a little tender from his finger. He continued to get closer until his head was stopped with consistent pressure on my ass. He lubed it up again, I could not go forward due to the bed and he was holding me down touching my dick from the side. He would tell me how tight my ass is and how it’s going to hurt a little but it won’t last, he told me that he is going to take it very slow and when I asked slow for what? He started putting more pressure and when is tip slid in I let out an oooooowwee wait it hurts, he said relax and just stayed in that place and my ass was throbbing if I moved at all it would shoot pain, he massaged the outside rim of my ass that was squeezing his tip and when I relaxed just enough he told me to take a deep breath which I did and at the end of my breath I felt my ass loosen and he pushed again sliding a quarter of the way in my ass he let out a moan and I let out a painful groan. He continued to whisper things like doesn’t that feel good baby, and your ass is so tight, and he would go slow like he only wanted to see me cum not caring about himself. It turned him on I was a virgin, that I was not fully willing and that he is also forcing me to feel good no matter how comfortable I feel. My ass was so tight that it didn’t take long for him to start Cumming and it felt like extra lube was coming out of my ass, he continued keeping his dick in my ass and I started feeling like I might cum and I got even more scared and he felt it to. He smiled and said see I’m going to make you cum whether you like it or not, about 10 seconds later I blew the biggest load all over the side of my bed and his hand, while is dick is still in my ass with cum drizzling out like I just squirted, I got very emotional as I knew I was not gay but I was forced to cum while being fucked and no matter now hard I tried to hold it in it just made me cum harder, I had never felt so ashamed yet so alive, I just got forced to cum like a girl and he looked at me like I was the sexiest thing he had ever seen and he got turned on just seeing me, after that we did not talk for a while things did happen a few more times after this but I could never look at him in the face and made him do everything including undress from behind me!