So Wrong It Feels Right

I've always known since I was a kid that I was gay, but at around age 16 I started being attracted to the "taboo" of hot young guys sleeping with older men or fuller bodied men. I started to exclusively watch porn videos of hot young guys (jock types) having sex with older or fatter guys .I've been athletic my whole life and and have been working out since I was 15, so I am in very good shape and have always been told that I am good looking. Eventually, I started to fantasize about myself being the hot young jock being used by the fat or old men in the porn flicks I'd watch. When I turned 18, I started hooking up with daddies and guys that were on the heftier side a few times a week, and it was great. As time passed though, I found that I wanted the contrast between myself and the men to be bigger and bigger, so basically it became like the older or the chubbier they are, the better. By the time I was around 19 I was sleeping with full fledged seniors in their late 60s and into their 70s, and sleeping with really overweight men (and not heavy because of muscle but because of fat). I thought it was just a simple kink that I was attracted to them, but the more I thought about it, I didn't actually find them physically attractive, in fact the opposite. But what really turned me on was how "wrong" it seemed to be. Conventional standards view a hot young jock getting fucked by dirty old men in their 70s and by really obese guys to be gross and wrong (not to say these are morally correct views, but that's how things are) and that wrongness of it turned me on. I knew I shouldn't be doing it. I could be hooking up with other hot guys my own age, but the fact that I gave myself to these dirty old men made me feel so ashamed of myself, which turns me on. I loved the shame of giving myself up to these men so much that I started to record myself getting fucked by them for the few that would allow me to, and I'd jerk off to the videos before deleting them. Once I started taking PREP, i make them cum in my ass or i'd swallow their loads every time. This felt like the ultimate humiliation, a hot college jock getting bred and swallowing the loads of grandpas and obese guys. I'm 22 now and don't see myself stopping any time soon