I Sucked My Brothers Cock And I Wanna Be His Slut (true Story)

When i was 9 i sucked my neighbors bbc and i loved it and i crossdressed all through my childhood. When i was 15 i sucked my 13 year old brothers dick and he encouraged me to and we didnt talk about it or say anything about it until i turned 18. We both got drunk and eventually i went in his room with my dick out and asked if i can suck his cock and he said ok and this led to me sucking his cock in his room with my mom almost catching us and him recording me and him not wanting to anymore then making me do it again and treating me like a slut. I want to do it again but i dont know how to go about it cause after it was done i wrote a paragraph to him about how it was wrong and all that. My girlfriend encouraged me to and wanted me to his cocksucker and a sissy slut. Ive worn my sister and cousins clothes and ive spied on my cousin and im pretty sure she knows about both of those things and it turns me on. i wanna be my brothers slut and whore and my girlfriend cucks me and wants to peg me. I wanna ruin my life and become a bimbo i****tuous cockloving cuck. Ive sucked dildos and it made me crazy and so fucking horny and ive fucked myself with them but i keep changing my mind and keep trying to stop it. how do i make myself a permanent sissy where i wont regret it or change my mind? Ive always had i****tuous thoughts whether it be about my sister my aunt my mother my cousin anyone. i wanna destroy my manhood and destroy my life and become completely sex obsessed permanently. my girlfriend keeps getting mad cause i keep changing my mind and freaking out on her and it only makes her wanna do it less. How do i fix this?