I Realized Something 4 Years Ago

Four years ago i was 23. I was in therapy with a psychoanalyst and one day he asked me the question if i ever got touched sexually as a child.

I don't really remember what we were talking about but he knew i had and still have a huge sense of shame and guilt around sex and men.

When he asked me that question suddenly a memory popped in my mind.

I was 7-8 years old and i remember my father and i were in the bathroom. I was probably peeing.

I was completely naked (as a child i used to take off all my clothes when i was peeing) and he was touching my vagina. We were both laughing and i remember i really liked the sensation.

If i remember correctly i was asking him to do it again but i'm not sure. I didn't feel embarrassed by this, i felt embarrassed when my mother yelled at my father for being with me in the bathroom. I didn't understand why because inside my innocent mind we didn't do anything wrong.

I don't remember how many times that happened.

Another memory popped in my mind it was when i was 5 i think, maybe not 5 but i was little.
I had enter in the bathroom without a warning and i saw my father naked.
I saw his penis and i touched it, i think he might let me touch it for a while.

When i was 11 i used to take my father's phone to play some games and in the pictures he had sexual pictures of women and sexual acts between men and women. I used to watch these pictures a lot. It was pictures from magazines or television i think.

At my 7-8 i saw he had a porn movie in his drawer but i didn't watch it because i got embarrassed.

When i was 13 we were talking with my female friend about penises. She already knew how a penis looks and feels like because she had sex for the first time.
I didn't even kiss a boy back then but i knew how a penis looks and feels like when you touch it.

I knew from that memory when i was 5 but i lied to her when she asked how i knew. I said i watched porn and learnt it from there.

I don't know if these experiences are completely valid and i don't know if there is a point in talking about these experiences.

Last year i discussed my memory when i was 8 but that psychologist said better to not think about it and maybe i misunderstood my father and he probably wanted to clean me when i was peeing.
But i remember he had bare hands when he was touching me.

I was masturbating since 5 year old and remember i put my dolls having sex each other and i was masturbating near them.

I was playing with my dolls that a stranger man m****red the mother of a girl in front of her and r**ed the girl in front of her mother's corpse.
The girl was enjoying the r**e and felt freedom.

I was 7 or 8 when i played with my dolls.

I feel embarrassed to talk again about this topic to a therapist. I feel like i expose my father. That maybe his intention wasn't bad and maybe these experiences don't have an impact on me.

And if they do i think it's not that bad.

I have some thoughts about little boys and enjoying watching realistic hentai children with children and adults like i said in previous confessions and i like sexual relationship between a father and his underage daughter.
I am not sure if these experiences are responsible for these thoughts.

I think something that completely impact me was when my parents yelled at me and hit me when they saw me masturbating,

Four years ago when i realized this thing i found the courage (and i really don't know how i did it) to tell my parents but they didn't remember anything. They didn't remember that they hit me when they saw me masturbating either.

I start to think that maybe these memories weren't real or if they were real they are not bad.

I'm embarrassed thinking about these because i still live with my parents. It's weird to think that your father did something like this to you and i'm anxious to be feminine in front of him.

I don't know.