I Think I Prefer Imagination And Fantasies Over Sex

I'm not asexual, just really afraid and embarrassed.
In my imagination i can have sex with whoever i want.
If i want to have sex with a little boy (not someone i know) i can and never get caught.
If i want to have sex with a relative (not real but i wish i had a brother who we could have sex as children) i can.
If i want to get gangbang by several black guys with big cocks i can without anyone judge me.
If i wanted to get fucked by several men in public and others watch, i can.
If i want to be a little girl again and have sex with adult men or little boys i can.
If i want a man to use me sexually and humiliates me, he can in my fantasy.
If i want several men to fuck me deep and hard to remind me my purpose and put me in my place, i can.
If i want to be a slut and more pretty i can.

Anything can happen in fantasies.

I can control everything there.

I can feel so much pleasure there and others can too.
There is always excitement and freedom from any phobias, guilt, shame, insecurities, danger and feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment.

I know these are part of life and especially sex life but something like this it would hurt me deep.

All of the times i did blowjobs to guys i didn't like it, i didn't know what to do, i didn't know if they actually turned on by me (probably not) i just accepted to do it without saying no. Some guys pressured me to send them naked pictures of me, i end up to accept it without say no.

I am not trying to say that i was sexually assault, i wasn't. But i didn't feel anything ever.

The only time i was going to have sex for the first time it was at my 22. A boy my age and we told a specific day to have sex. I needed to know. When that day came i drank alcohol and eventually he couldn't turn on. The same boy some other time he caressed my vagina and i kinda liked the sensation but i didn't want anything more.

The second time i tried to have sex it was at my 23 it was with a boy 5 years younger than me. I drank that time too. I was so tight his penis couldn't enter inside me. And we tried 6 times. He licked my vagina, i pretend to liked it but the truth is i was bored.
I think he put something in my butt and i felt pain.
We end up having dissatisfaction and disappointment the both of us. When i left from his house i wanted to cry.

I'm glad none of these 2 boys took my virginity.

When i was 24 i did a blowjob to a 42 year old man to his house. He was fat and ugly (i didn't know what he looked like until i met him and i regret i didn't run away). I was too shy i looked down the whole time. I drank there too to his house a whole bottle of wine.
He suggested anal sex to me, i said no at first, he said to me ''i know you want it'' and i said yes.

Thank god i was too tight and he couldn't enter inside me. But at least he was kind enough to took me home later. I didn't want any contact with him after and i didn't like his behavior when he was sending me so i blocked him.

I always wanted to keep a distance and if i met someone in person i always drank alcohol to numb feelings of guilt and shame. Ironically the feelings of shame and guilt was always there the next day until now when i think of these experiences.

The last time i did something naughty was last year at my 26 where i send to a boy naked pictures of me.

This was the last time and i want to keep a promise to myself to be completely modest until i find a person we truly trust and like each other and be comfortable with.
I think we have to be friends at first.
And then we can be perverts and make our pervert fantasies a reality together.