Venting

This post isn't going to be inappropriate.
It's just thoughts i don't want to keep inside.
I don't mind if i said similar things before.

I just want to write them because it's anonymously and people don't know me in person.

I really start to get really tired of life. This is not something i feel only today.
Everytime i go to bed to sleep i wish i wasn't exist.
I wouldn't mind if i dissappeared.

I know my parents, sister and friends would cry and miss me but this don't stop me from wanting to dissappear.

Other people my age are more normal and social and have jobs and i feel a looser.

One female friend i had when i was a kid, now she is the same age as me.
I saw on her Instagram profile that she is married and pregnant to a baby boy and i am here (the same age as her) everyday can't stop myself from writing my pervert thoughts where are disgusting to most as i can see.

These thoughts are not the reason i tired of life. The reason is my everyday emptiness and not having desire for anything. And if i develop desire for something it lasts a little and then indifference and emptiness again.

This isn't something chilish which i make it bigger problem than it is.

It is difficult to live everyday with a feeling of shame who i can't describe.
It is difficult to live everyday with a feeling i have no identity.
It is difficult to live everyday with a feeling of not being normal.

I was never seemed normal to others. Always i was the weird one but not in a good way. I seemed lot of times weird and not smart.

I might someday my life changes a little maybe to the worse because i don't try to fix my life at all.
I don't know exactly what i would want to fix. I just want to seem normal.
A normal 27 year old with energy and desire for life.

My pervert thoughts even though i like them they make me feel embarrassed but at the same time i don't want to stop having them.
The reason is if my thoughts would stop immediately and don't turn on with what i turn on, then what's left?

With what i would masturbate? Masturbation is one of the few things that make feel good for a little time. The other is alcohol.

Again if i stop alcohol too my few hours of enjoyment when i drink would be gone.
I can't imagine myself sober in social situations.
I even am uncomfortable with my parents and i am closed in my room all the time.

I have empty hidden bottles of alcohol in my closet and i try not to be found by my parents.
Sometimes they found them and they worried.
Even though i know they love me i know deep down they would want for me to be more normal. They would want a social, happy, more feminine, normal daughter with a job and a boyfriend her age.

They probably see as problematic because of my social anxiety and indifference for everything except alcohol.
And they don't even know my thoughts which gives me bigger sense of shame.

They tell me to go to a psychologist but i don't want to go. I don't know what to say and it would pretty uncomfortable to be with a psychologist and look at each other without talking.

I have nothing inside. Can a psychologist cure ''nothing''? the emptiness? if i have nothing to say and want to disappear?

I don't want to take medication neither because alcohol would be forbidden. I tried medication in the past even recently but i stopped them because i didn't want and couldn't stop alcohol. But i didn't feel any change.

I want to drink even now but the reason i don't its because i don't have much money and try to keep money so i could drink on Saturday if i go out with friends.

My point is i wish i could be, seem, behave normal and i don't know how.
I wish i was better inside too and i don't know how neither.

That's why i want to dissappear and go to heaven.