Acceptance

My first sexual experience was with a neighbor boy when I was15. He was a year or so younger but it was he who threw his suit onto the float and pressed his hard cock against me. I eagerly sucked cock and swallowed cum that day. We'd meet in the woods and have sex for a year or so and then it ended when I went to high school. After awhile it got so that I usually felt sort of uncomfortable. We got into a routine where I'd usually suck him off and he rarely did me.
After that it was years before I let myself try sex with a man again and it was few and far between since I was so nervous and worried about someone finding out. But over the years situations would occur where I had men approach me at a rest stop or in a mall restroom and I'd find myself letting some man hold my cock and I'd squeeze and stroke his.
Eventually, even through two marriages, I finally accepted being a closet bisexual. There were times in both my marriages that I tried to suppress and deny it but eventually I'd notice a man's glance somewhere and once again I'd give in to the thrill of secret sex with a man.
Over the years I'd always struggled with my sexual interactions with men and almost always felt a bit unsatisfied or uncomfortable afterwards. Very often I felt sort of used and that I hadn't been treated equally. I knew it was much my fault cause I'd usually be the first one on my knees ready to suck his cock. So pretty regularly the man would use my mouth till he fed me his load and then leave.
Finally in my 50s after I'd started to get over the pain of my second divorce I decided to take a risk and seek out men for sex. It took awhile but I met a few men. Thankfully I was able to feel horny again through my depression and met a few men through ads. Mostly I just had sex with them once and then moved on. I met one man older than me and I visited him a few times. The first time I went to meet him we sat on the couch and chatted nervously till I had to do what I'd come over for and without breaking the conversation I reached over and started to rub and squeeze his crotch. I could tell that he wanted to kiss and make out with me but I wasn't into that although for the first time in a long time I ended up fucking him. I connected with a few more men and as the summer progressed it seemed like I was just getting hornier. I started to go to ABSs late at night and would go to a rest area I knew was a good place to cruise.
At some point I realized that I had started to accept and get comfortable with my secret side. I was still closeted and still am but over some time I started to see my secret side as just a part of me. And as I had sex with more men I had a realization of sorts. I'd always liked sucking cock and had started to enjoy meeting men and giving them head. Then very late one night at the ABS I'd gone there really horny but it was mostly deserted and as I was about to leave a man brushed against my unlocked door. I opened it a bit and he quickly pushed inside. He grabbed my cock but as soon as I opened his jeans he pushed me down and held his cock against my lips until I just gave in and opened up and took his now hard prick. He used my mouth deep and hard and would choke me at times. Then when I thought he would cum he pulled me up and turned me round and then using only my saliva as a lube he pushed into me. I'd almost never been fucked and not for years but even though it hurt I was surprised at how quickly he was fucking me hard and deep and thankfully he soon was grunting and gasping softly as he pumped his thick juice into me.
I went home worried and upset and the next day my ass was plenty sore. But over the next few weeks as I thought about how many men I'd had sex with the last few months I came to see that not only did I have a secret part of me but that the secrecy around meeting men for sex was a big part of the pleasure I experienced. And that led me to see that over this summer letting myself seek out and have sex with those men a great part of the sexual pleasure I had was getting to suck so much cock. When I thought about it it made me feel a bit nasty and dirty but it turned me on too. I'd struggled with it for years but since that first time I loved the taste and feel of a cock pushing into my mouth. Over that summer I had a great time having sex with men in various ways and places. But most of all I loved sucking their cocks and didn't mind the few who just came and went. I even realized that the guy who'd r**ed me I'd later on masturbate as I relived parts of it. I finally accepted that another part of my secret self is that deep down I enjoy being a cocksucker and have men use me for their secret sexual needs.
It took awhile but I'm good with my secrets. I still want give and take when I meet with a man but I've gotten pretty good at reading a man who just wants me to blow him and now I just get into it and enjoy having sex with him.
I reconnected with a man I had sex with and then we drifted apart. He'd never suck me and eventually I quit seeing him. I called him out of the blue and asked if I could stop by for a bit. He nervously agreed but warned me that nothing would happen. I said that was fine.. We sat on opposite sides of his big living room and chatted. After awhile I lowered my hand to my thigh. Then carefully moved in near my crotch. Slowly I started to barely move it on my bulge. Eventually I had to shift and adjust my swelling tool. My growing meat was obvious and I started to move my fingers slowly along the length. He'd glanced down a couple of times but now his eyes were on my hand and crotch. Without pausing the conversation I got up and walked over and sat so close to him our thighs pressed tight. We tried to keep up the conversation but when I reached over to open his slacks he got quiet and just shifted to help me get to his tool. Now when I visit I'm fine with the sex we have. I come over cause he likes what I do with him and I love being a nasty dirty cocksucker eager to taste his cum.